Something Different

2009-03-12T19:41:00.003+08:00

You know. . . it has been tough. . . tiring. . really. . there were many times whereby you really feel very sleepy, that you can just doze off while you are holding on that pencil. . drawing. . it happened quite a number of times today. . . somehow, some reason, you held on, force yourself to stay awake and get those work done. . . it may be sparked off from a negative, kiasu mentality. . but when you know that you are weaker than the rest, you know you need to work harder than the rest. . be it stay back an hour or two longer while others went back home. .
many times it just doesnt seem too feasible or practical. . when that fatigue accumulate to a certain level, it could be just clever to go back and get some rest first instead. . nevertheless, held on, because intuition tells you so. . so what if you are not being efficient this way. . outstanding architects don't do conventional stuffs, don't go with practicality. . . we may seem weird to others, but you can never imagine the amount of substance we have inside. . .

i had digressed. . but if my students are reading. . hope you get some learning points out of there. .

The point here is. . im really happy. . as in satisfied. . it was perhaps the best critique session that i had got. . maybe it was because darlene is really nicer than the rest of the tutors i had got previously. . it's still great to be receiving praises. . fong never praised me. . even when im feel i had slogged hard. .
I feel i had worked hard, and i have tried to learn much, pick up pointers and improve my works. . I need to feel that my efforts have brought me progress. . and darlene's words were pretty nice to my ears. . of course it wouldnt be possible without the rest of the other two group mates of mine, i felt we worked really well together, especially during the presentation just now. . we have got pretty good team work, such that darlene could joke that we are husband wife. . great. . entertaining in the mist of great concepts communicated. . i wouldnt care the less even if reputation is at stake. .

Great. . i hope this is the starting point to more to come. . and yes. . i will continue to work hard. . oscar and sean, be careful. . !

2009-02-19T22:35:00.002+08:00

A role model. . i am. . . 打不死的蚂蚁

Learn from me. . the good things. .

Have you seen me lately. . ? I'm like. . vanished from this world. . I was busy. . with lots and lots of work. . i have been working hard. . i don't know. . may be harder than most people. . many nights in studio. . drawings, building models. . i worked so hard. . i hope my works are good. . i hope the results are good. . Sometimes, really tired. . but with the help of some caffaine, i hung on. . i know im not good at this, i work harder. . really tried hard. . last weekend i went three days without sleep. . for what. . ? i want A for my design module. .

Life is like that. . you won't always get back as much as you had worked. . Today's presentation, the conclusion to the weeks of exercise. . it was really bad for me. . bad as in i got all the bad comments. . it was like those singing competition you have on tv, the judges gave you negative comments. . I was standing there at the centre of the crit panel, bombarded by the tutors. . Harsh wind blew, and i felt the chill. . While i had thought i have thoroughly prepared for the harsh winter, when the cold wind came, i was left in a state of shock. . The false notion of being sufficiently prepared led to misfortune that may ineventually ruin the A or even B+ that has been targeted. .
To be honest im damn depressed initially, because i had really put in effort in this. . yet all of it was ruined by that few minutes which i had no idea what hits me actually. .
I concede that my concept for the houses were wrong, but what saddened me was the comment on my drawings, which i had spent lotsa time and effort on. . basically they meant, it sucks. .

But depression was temporary, i realised i needa move on, be conscious about the mistakes i had made and start all over again. . A for design still possible. . Gonna work hard and produce good works to impress. . Some day i will want people to pay attention to my crit. . just like oscar, ying zi and jolene. . All the way............!

2009-01-29T22:24:00.002+08:00

Jaded. . had a long day. . .

it was not any of that good day. . that's why i felt like making some noise here. .

Issued with a new design assignment. . 27 A3 panels, plus one cardboard model, that's what due on this coming monday. . barely four days to go. . you wander why i still have the time to make noise here. . because i don't know where or how to start. . resources still lacking. .
i decide im just gonna have an early night and then start early tomorrow. .

it's gonna be a very very hectic weekend for me. . already before this assignment my schedule lined till saturday. . with this coming in, im desperately trying to squeeze time to accommodate it while still keeping the planned activities. . i will be burning the entire of sunday in studio then. . opportunity cost. .

I lost one of the datalogger during noon. . . had it installed at the FASS canteen yesterday evening, and now it's gone. . apparently some brainless kid took it without realising it is actually a useless device to them, while it meant a lot to me. . i curse that idiot who did this. . Still waiting for my lecturer to get back to me on how to account for it. . haiz. .

Drenched of energy after studio just now, but i still made a point to turn up for the hall's soccer training. . . obviously they were training the 'first team' and it more or less confirmed that i wasnt part of it. . i felt like a fringe player assisting to train up the first team's defence and wingers. . disgusted. .
I made up my mind that if im not called up for the next friendly, i will have a good talk with the captain and attend no more training. . i don't see the rationale why i am exhausting myself after studio times and again to attend trainings and train so hard for ihg while eventually i don't get to play. . . not that i think i am damn good, but in soccer, i won't stay in a team which take me as a fringe player. . Further more. . seriously i don't see myself inferior to marcus in any aspect of soccer. . if they are gonna play him instead of me. . which was apparent to me. . that's another reason for me to say goodbye. . i rather spend more time in my studies. .

2009-01-28T01:25:00.002+08:00

Isnt Chinese new year supposed to be a week long. . ? Too used to long holiday and im finding this chinese new year far too short. . comparing to last year's at least. . oh well. . remember last year school still hasnt started. .

Im back in school already. . in hall. . on this second day of chinese new year. . pathetic. .

the holiday's over. . i needa get myself out of that chinese new year mood and get cracking. . somehow still feel lethargic even though i had slept pretty much over these few days. .

Assignments coming in. . i guess it won't be too long for those sleepless nights to come back again. . haizz. .

2009-01-13T00:28:00.002+08:00

You sure this is the first day of school. . ?

I try not to make this too melancholic, but im. . stress! first day of school, with all the expectations, things that are coming up. . Too many stuffs on a short period of time, for a moment i felt i cant handle. .

Nothing seems to get to my brain. . don't know why. . New studio, and they were trying to set up a new seating arrangement. . when ask for suggestions, i wanted to contribute, but nothing came out in my brain. . it was blank. . i tried, but i couldn't think of anything. .
The new assignment, which deals with exhibition. . was supposed to panel design. . nothing comes to my mind, and i got nothing to talk about. . i felt screwed. .

Am i suffering from some memory problem? i felt certain things just kept slipping from my mind. . like the da vincl model that we did last sem, i almost forgot how it's supposed to work. . this is not helpng. .

Stress. . we have fong as our tutor, and he wanted us to draw something for discussion every session. . already been allocated something for thursday's session. . but nothing comes up in my mind . .

first day of school . . shouldn't be whining. . shouldn't be whining. .

2009-01-03T15:25:00.002+08:00

Today's my birthday. . Happy. . birthday. . !

Many thanks to those who have remembered. . and for those who havent. . . i strongly recommend that you do something. . upon seeing this. . . haahaa. . im just kidding. . you know im not so thick skin. .

well. . twenty second. . feel kinda old already. . evidence from the growing amount of white hair on my head. . irritating. . i think im suffering from some genetic disorder that caused this phenomenon. . nevertheless. . i supposed im still suave and charming . .? oops. . just let me praise myself and feel good. . since it's my day. . today. .

Anyway. . Seriously i feel perhaps as you grow older, birthday become less and less significant. . it's just another day. . remember when we were young, we always look forward to birthday. . a day where you got to eat cake, receive presents and get sayang by people. . Now. . from this year onwards. . I won't expect much on my birthday. . . not presents, not cakes. . it will be good enough if i can have some good friends to come together, meet up for a meal or something. . Im getting more mature in my thinking, aint i. .

Okie. . thanks people for your wishes. . i won't deny i feel good to have received these. . thank you. !

2008-12-26T00:10:00.002+08:00

Good or not good is comparative, satisfaction is given within. . .

I don't mind openly declaring that i got 3.5. . It's not anything marvellous, if i would compare this with others from my course, i think it will be shit. . . but im not comparing, so that i won't feel like shit of course. .
Yet im satisfied. . with all those screwed ups i had made in this sem, 3.5 is a bonus already. . Im happy. . I promise to work harder next sem. . more sleepless nights. .

Afterall, i never aspire to be the best, never dream to be in the dean's list. . only wanted to be a mediocre student and quietly complete this 5 years course. . i am that. . unambitious. .

2008-12-22T22:35:00.002+08:00

In anxiety already. .

tomorrow. . or i should emphasize. . in a few hours' time. . tomorrow sounds it's still long to go. .
the verdict will be out. . RESULTS!

Cap 3. . i wish for at least a cap 3. . a little bit unambitious. . but i call this wary of how i did. . the fact is this semester has not been a good one. . i hardly feel that i have done well in any of the module. . and maybe in this case, cap 3 could be the best out of it. . pray. . .

this is not gonna be the first time i will be doing it. . log into the nus results page, one click and the page that contain the testimonial for the semester appears in front of you. . it's a couple of moment of excitement while executing the login steps and then a couple moments of shock or surprise followed by happiness or agony. .
the last time i did this was for the qet. . then, it was pretty good new . . i hope it will be the same this time . . . pray. . .

Cap3 please! pray. . . .

2008-12-08T21:03:00.002+08:00

What a good day to sleep. . ! Raining outside. . and it was perfect, ideal condition for sleeping. . i managed to seize this opportunity. . kept the day free of activities and slept the entire day. . the feeling is good. .

Even when the exams are over, and the holiday on its arrival, i was still not sleeping enough. . So used to sleeping late and waking up late that my sleeping order has been seriously disrupted. . So during the last few weeks im still sleeping late. . and waking up late. . and sometimes waking up early to attend some activities. . hence ended up not getting enough sleep most of the time. . of course to define what is called enough sleep to me. . it is to get at least 9-10 hours of sleep every day. . and of course as an architecture student sleeping 6 hours a day is already sustainable. . a luxury. . but now during the holiday one of my objective is to enjoy this luxury as much as i can. .
Yet days like this, perfect for sleeping are hard to come by in a hot and humid singapore. . if the good thing about singapore is that it is geographically located away from major disasters, then the bad thing is that it is geographically located near to extreme humid zone. .
In the day it gets so humid that you will sweat even when you are sleeping. .

okie. . i feel like sleeping again. . good night. .

2008-11-29T16:12:00.002+08:00

Football is the only few things in the world where i find myself. . Rong once told me. . i really think so too. .
It's only when playing the game i can forget about every single thing in this world, totally immerse myself and enjoy the game. . Tiring though in the end, i felt relax and ironically, fresher after it. .

It was a pretty good day to play. . a pretty good play in the end. . Somehow the football was beautiful. . i felt we had played quite well. . good passings, good movements, good running into spaces. . nice chances were created, never mind few were converted, never mind that we lost some of the games. . That's how saturday soccer should be!
Was it improvement? Or maybe just because Jia Guang weren't around. .? Alright Jia Guang you opt to see how we play and refrain from shooting the moment the ball goes to you. . If we can play Arsenal's football, then losing counts for nothing. .
Okie. . look forward to next saturday's soccer now. . !

Jerry will be back then. . ! Quoted from reliable source that jerry will be heading back from australia on flight unknown today. . How long was it since we sent it off the other time? Definitely before university had started. . had it been like half a year? When you start counting like this, seeing people leave and return you always feel that time really flies. . Think about then when i sent him off, i was still teaching in bowen, i was still not an akit boy. . Now. . an akit boy, went through the tiring first semester of studio works, went through stressful period of examinations. .
Nevertheless, will be hoping to see him really soon then. .

Exams are over!! Well. . im gonna input anything depressing this time. . not even gonna whine about how badly i will be doing, if not cheryl will be complaining about my blog again. .
I will be happier if i don't think of it. . Right now, i just wanna give myself some breaks. . maybe towards the end of the holiday i will do some readings and upgradings. . yes. . that's the plan. .

2008-11-25T15:12:00.002+08:00

I feel like starting a conversation with my previous post. . A for pf. .? Never speak too early. .

Okie frankly speaking. . I went into the paper with confident. . I did past year papers. . I was able to do. . well. . most. . But till i see the paper. .

Tough. . at least to me. . i don't know about others. . they may find it easy. . i don't care. . It was not those kinda questions i have expected. . not those typical kinda questions that were inside the past year paper. .
Damn it. . okie. . my physics is not pro. . so once they try to twist and turn the question such that they resemble some alien, there i go seeing stars. . .

Don't expect too much. . Im not screwed to that extent though. . A B may more likely be possible than A definitely. . I will be absurdly happy if i have got an A. . really. .

2008-11-22T14:42:00.002+08:00

Been mugging for it for more than a week. . and it's over. . relieved. .

I tried not to think about it. . Discussions are always common after the paper. . And i chose not to participate. . though I was already consciously awared that I had been owned by the paper. .

Im not gonna think so much. . im already very tired. . for this entire week i have been solely studying that module, and yet in the end i realised i did not understand what i am studying. . let it be over and done with then. .

But well, im quite motivated to work for my physic module though. . I had scored well for my projects, lab report and assignments so far. . I will just needa continue this in the final exam on tuesday. . I want an A for this, definitely. . and im confident. .
Being a science student for 10 years had only helped me on this, and im gonna just fully make use of it. . . A for pf module. .!

Life has not been enjoyable over this period. . I don't even feel im alive. . it was like back to the days of mugging for A level, even worse than that. . who the hell said university is more relaxed?

2008-11-10T14:56:00.002+08:00

i have been contributing so much depressive posts in my blog that this has become my sorrow ground. .
but well. . i want this encourage myself this time. . . Aint i such a weird person. .

Ironic. . today is perhaps another low point for me as an architecture student. . yet. . im not entering another emo post. . i must have taken the wrong medicine this morning. .

Seriously. . im really really upset. . because i had tried. . in the end it failed. . and i screwed it all up. . I watched the sympathetic looks on the tutors' faces. . . i could feel they tried to help me. . help me gain some marks to pass. . however, im not that intellectual enough to help myself at that critical moment. .

it may not be a matter of passing any more. . before this i was thinking that i doubt i can pass this module. . but now, so what if i passed? it wouldnt make a different if 99% of the rest passed and im among the lowest of the passes. .

i had reflected and highlighted the reasons for the screwed up. . . at a point i was trememdously depressed, i knew i cant let myself be overwhelmed by this. . . 21 years old, considered an ex-teacher, i will have to demonstrate the character that befit such descriptions. . You fell down, you pick yourself up. . you don't indulge yourself in self-pity and melancholism. .

The unhappiness is almost impossible to get away from it, but at least, i tried to brace myself for the failure. . i reflect and i have got a better idea of what is it about. . . another time, i will be better. .

im still upset. .

2008-11-09T03:24:00.002+08:00

Sometimes. . sometimes i really feel really screwed. . i feel so screwed in my academics that i really feel intensely inferior whenever im in studio. . It's the kinda feeling that prevent you from being in the mood of socialising with others. . You just want to be in something that keeps you away from the need of talking to people. .
depression? too stress? after thursday's 7 hours exercise im as though in nobody's land. . i didnt manage to complete my work. . i handed up a piece of drawing with just two diagrams inside. . while others have at least 3 or 4. . or maybe one horrendously good one. . mine. . two what the fuck kinda diagrams. .

Im not gaining any confidence. . im not feeling any confidence. . i had encountered numerous confidence people in my life. . and i really wander what spark the confidence in them. . Confidence people, naturally attractive. . I want to be like that. .

Steve told me, you have to be good in something. . So what the hell am i good at? Soccer? I remembered being very confidence when i play soccer. . I was in the secondary soccer team and the coach thought so highly of me. . i felt good. . people said im good. .
And what the heck now. . i doubt i can even make into the Sheares first team. . i tried so hard in the end i realised i played like some crap shit. .

At this point of time, i really feel so screwed up. . screwed up screwed up screwed up. .

i won't give up akit. . i love akit. . i just hope things to be better. . i want to gain back my confidence. . then i will have the mood for others things. . i believe when only that get better. . better things will come. . but now. .
i am really depress. . .
if god is around. . please help me. .

2008-11-03T20:31:00.002+08:00

Is that my work?

I'm proud of it, yet i come i don't seem to feel it is mine?

The moments of seeing it work was fantastic. . delighted, astonished to see it swinging. . I witnessed how it had failed in the previous few times and truly understand how tough is it to get it working. . and then somehow, in front of me, the thing is swinging almost perfectly. . it was amazing. .

In my mind, it was a 'wow'. . i was part of the group who made it possible. . in name only. . as i see it working so beautifully, what came to my mind was that im not the one who got i working, oscar and sean were the men who did out all the calculations and came out with the idea, not me, besides admiring the wonders of it. .

Well. . i know im lousy. . and i accept that. . but im willing to learn. . certain things i cant stand though. . i do not accept the limit of my ability and i don't want them to dedicate the easier tasks to me. . it's an insult to my ego. . not only that. . i will be learning nothing if i just continue to do the easy stuffs. .

that was why i chose to do the exploded axonometric drawings . . that was why i want to say now that i was pissed off with sean when he made several 'sarcastic' remarks during a few occasions. . i didnt fare out, nor am i someone who bear grudges. . i just feel that i don't deserve these simply because im not as 'architectural' inclined as him. .

maybe they are pissed off with me too. .

we got different frequency, we are of different league already. .

I had two of my recent assignments back today. .They were still screwed. . at this point of time i reallly have to pray hard that i don't flung this module. . so far. . zero good work. . zero positive comment. .

tell myself it's ok. . that i will get out of this. . i will be better. . and hopefully so. .

2008-10-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

There aint a time better than now to put in a post. . .

How do i describe my state of emotion now. . ? pretty much of a mixture i guess. . I remember a moment ago i was in a total rage and disarray. . now. . slightly better. . im still kinda pissed off and probably a little amused. . alright. . im nuts. . im weird. . .

Just what kinda fucking luck am i having. . ? forgive the vulgar, i just feel like cursing. . I cant remember when is the last time i lost my wallet but this time, the consequence is too much devastating. .

In it. . my IC, my license, my debit cards, my matric card, the cash of $70. . im not too sure if there's any more valuable inside. . but the stake itself is obviously already too big . .
I feel like kicking myself on the thought of the inconvenience that will come my way. .
I need my matric card to access my room in hall, i need to go back to school to do my work overnight and i will need to access my room. . arghhhhhhh. . . damn it. .!!

this came at a really really bad time. . i got no time to settle all these. . tomorrow is sun, mon is a public holiday. . and this week to come will be filled with lotsa submission. . where the hell can i find the time to settle all these. .

this seriously. . screwed. . i blamed it on my luck. .
obviously. . im just fucking careless. . i should blame myself. . luck is just the scapegoat. .

2008-10-06T02:53:00.002+08:00

I havent been doing well. . and i wander if i ever gonna do well. . and that's what you get for not doing your forte. . .

There's no textbook to teach you, not guide to the dummies, im purely walking blindfoldedly in search of the light of knowledge in this field im in. .
i havent got a life for very long. . and i have realised it's not my time any more. . particularly when this workshop is a group project. .

Im with oscar and sean in a group. . seriously i felt like the weakest link in there. . i seriously is. . most of the time im damn lost in whatever they are discussing. . Da vincl's mechanism whatsoever. . i won't need to explain too much that i am never into these, such was why i didnt even consider engineering in my choice. .
well. . i just hope i won't screw things up for them. . and i felt remorseful for not really able to contributing. .
I really start to consider myself stupid. . . as compared to them, my brain looks so small. . either army has made me stupid or i have been stupid all along, just that i never actually realised that. .

Not sure if i am really busy. . but i found myself so tired all the time. . tendered in two essays for submission for the week. . then i have soccers and stuffs . . im struggling to balance my tuitions. . it's the exam period and everyone is like asking for extra tuitions . . the thing is i don't have the time. . i should just be a full time teacher and forget about this archi degree. .

i went for hall soccer and i just not playing well. . my teammates must be thinking what a joker is doing in the team. . i pretty much appreciate that chee kun, the captain is still putting some faith in me. . It's down to 24 in the squad and if this continue, i doubt i can keep my place in the first team for the next game. . damn screwed. .

hall wise im not making too many friends so far. . i don't really bother already. . busy with so much stuffs right now where can i still find the energy to socialise. . the fact is that i don't even know what are the things that are happening. . eating macdonald in faculty so often that i hardly joined them for dinner in hall. . tell me how to make friend this way then. .

i have lost faith, confidence. . i need a life, need some leisure, some fun, some new that can make me happy, i need plenty of sleep, yet i want to do well in school. .

So screwed. .

2008-09-18T20:24:00.002+08:00

Im in hall now. . finally moved in. . this is my second day and well. . i feel kinda bored. . at least for now. .
Expecting some fun that i can catch up on, but till now, there was nothing much to talk about. . particularly when i don't really know anyone here at all. .
Everyone's face so new to me, i wasnt sure when to say hi or who to say hi. . . there are friendly people, and there are some that are not so. . and what am i? friendly or not friendly. .
There's a lorry supper tomorrow night and before that im skipping my tutorial to attend the hall's soccer training, i hope it turns up well. .

There's kinda a mixture of feelings in me. . Fong did a round up of the works that we had submitted, and i have got three of mine on the bad examples list. . . i guess i have done really badly for the assignments. .
I am a bit disappointed, a bit upset, a bit frustrated yet a bit of relief. .

I know obviously myself that i havent done a good job, it was scrappy work and i know it wasnt my best. . I wasnt at my best, i havent give my best, and i was distracted by many things during the working process. . I found myself unable to have the peace of mind to do things much of the time. . i don't know. .

though fong was nice enough to let everyone pass but how many such chances do i have. . i could imagine myself dropping out of the course if i don't buck up. . im worried. . i know im like walking on thin lines. . i need to improve the qualities of my work. . !

2008-09-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

I went to tuitions today with just 1 hour of sleep before that. . i survived. . i was amazed. . except for some very brief moments where i nearly doze off, it was smooth. . I guess my threshold for sleep inadequacy has increased, the torment of trying to keep yourself awake aint so intense any more. .

How do you define shagged out? It's when you can instantly go into your dream the moment you closed your eyes. . i really feel like this every single minute of today. .
I didnt sleep a minute last night. . courtesy of fong's idea to have us submit soft copies of the compilation of our work for the entire workshop by noon today. .
Stayed over to school to expeditite it for him for two consecutive nights. . how can i not feel sleepy this way. .
hectic was what that described this weekend. . i didnt go for soccer on saturday morning, but being just in school to do the works, having tuitions, attending yan jia's 21st and running some personal errands were more than enough to make it compact. . creating a sense of breathlessness in me occasionally. .

with the amount of time that im spending on work then, im still not doing anything up to the mark yet. . the compilation of works itself was pretty screwed up, fong replied me to inform that i had not namedthe files in an appropriate manner. . i hope he don't give me a lower grade for that, i doubt the possibility though. . given the merciless impression he gave me. .

Alright. . i will be moving into hall soon. . probably some time this coming week. . I had received a late notice for a room in Shears. . Pretty far though, but well, i was thinking of going in to experience hall life for a semester. . i don't think i will get a chance like that again if i miss it. . anyway, akit's so busy, i doubt i have time for all those hall activities. . but hopefully it will bring me some meaningful experience. .

gotta get back some sleep

2008-09-06T23:15:00.002+08:00

What is a 菩萨 ? Well, if im gonna translate this word in english, it will be something like buddha. .? but im not exactly talking about religion here. .

Today. . i define it as a person, a stranger, who came to your aid when you are in a desperate situation. . i came across one just now. .

As usual, my unlucky streak carries on. . Got my bike, paid 600 over bucks for the servicings, expecting it to be in perfect working condition and there i go, travelling to my tuition. . Half way on the road, on the expressway, the acceleration suddenly came to a stop, and i came to a halt, at the road shoulder. . I didnt think that the vehicle had ran dry of petrol until this took place. . I cursed my luck and resorted to the only option on my mind, to push to the nearest exit, find a petrol station and top up the petrol. .
It was testing the limit of physical fitness. . it took me great pain to finally got it out of the expressway, and i left it at the walkway just outside, then went desperately in search of a petrol station. . Not a single one on my sight. . I was hoping to ask someone for direction and there i saw an old man in his sixties passing by. . Not only did he told me where was it, he offered to send me there on his bicycle. .
so there i went, sitting on his bike, feeling some sort of ashame that a man of his age has to pillion a fit and nimble youngster like me. . but he was really nice, very helpful and i was kinda too helpless to turn down his helping hands. .
i got my petrol station, bought a $3.50 container to contain the petrol, topped up the petrol for 10 bucks and the old man was waiting on the opposite side of the road to pillion me back to where i left my bike. .
i seriously did not know how to show my appreciation for his help but to repeatedly thank him. . just how many people in this world will help a stranger like this like him. . ?

so while, i really really feel damn suay recently. . it was truly something different that i had experienced today. .

anyway. . i just don't know what got into me, after i topped up the fuel and got it moving once again, i realised i was not wearing my helmet. . it was half way through then. . and well, i didnt bother eventually though. . but it was hilarious?

im so screwed. .

2008-09-06T14:22:00.002+08:00

What's the word that starts with a 's' and ends with a 'y'. . pretty random. . but it just suddenly came to my mind and that explains what i feel about recently. . got it correctly? one more hint, it's four letters. .
oh well. . it's obvious. . ISN'T IT. . ?
we were having fun with this 'ISN'T IT' joke yesterday night in studio. . isn't it? it started with us bitching about steve, a damn funny guy from our sister studio 8 (im in studio 7). . he likes to say that, so in some sort we were trying to imitate him, creating amusement of it. .

studio's getting more and more sian to me. . i need a life. .

anyway. . i just spent $110 on my finger. . went to see a doctor at some clinic i don't know, he applied some tissue glue rather than stitching, then bandaged it for me. . money flows like water. . i would like to declare broke here. .
so many expanses coming up. . school fees, pay this pay that, and im gonna collect my bike later, i wander how many hundreds will it be. . really feeling the pinch now. .

to end off, i was reminded by this quote from my pc during first year in army, lieutenant liew. . he was one of the commanders i respected most and he said in front of us some thing like this, 'im not good, but i tried very hard'. . he was referring to his 2.4 km run in ippt, not a good runner, but he trained very hard to do well. .
i guess it's pretty much apply to myself. . im not good in a lot of things, but i truly believe that i really put in effort and try very hard to do them well. . that's perhaps a principle in life that i try to adopt. .

2008-09-04T22:02:00.002+08:00

It hasnt been my day for very long. . . indeed. .
can imagine im now typing this with 1 hand, the other handicapped, from a knife cut moments ago. .

heavily bandaged. . i was doing my arylic model then when i lost control of the penknife on my hand and it went straight onto my hand. . it was a deep cut, i could feel the knife in my fresh at that point of time. . painful. . but i didnt cry. .

have to apologise to people if i havent reply your msn message or sms. . things surely wasnt going too well. . everything is like spoiling and falling apart. . my phone is the latest casualty. . got it fixed once but the problem came back again. .

as usual. . assignments keep coming one after another. . tired most of the time. .

using that accident to slack right now. . still got an essay outline to rush. .
stayed over in studio yesterday and only managed to get 3 hrs of sleep. . but well. . doubt i can sleep early tonight. . !

2008-08-29T02:16:00.002+08:00

bad thursday. .

my bike stalled halfway on my journey back from school. . at 1am, in the middle of the expressway. . i have to freaking get a cab in the middle of that damned expressway and went through a big circle to call someone to tow the vehicle to some place i don't even know where. .

what did i do to deserve this. .?

damn it. . why things cant be in my favour?

2008-08-28T01:48:00.002+08:00

It reads 1.48 am, and it's thursday. .

Im still in school, in the studio, using my laptop, typing out this post. .
perhaps too tired, feeling kinda emo. . .
yes im damn tired. . it's ironic. . the fatigue in me just come and go. . even though i suffer from a lack of sleep all the time. .

well, i guess i had kinda completed my work. . more or less. . you know archi assignments will never end till the day you graduated. .

i don't know what else to say. . just perhaps infested with works, and just do and do. .

i needa empathise that even though archi workload has been rather heavy, im not at all depressed with this kinda life. . it's fun. . im enjoying university. .

yet. .

to end off with a more depressing quote. .

Life is perhaps 90% not able to get what you want. . at least for me. .

2008-08-21T20:13:00.002+08:00

I feel like i havent been home for very long. . im damn tired. .

obviously i had stayed overnight yesterday to complete the assignments. . slept barely 2 hours. .
if your gonna look at me now, you will realise my dark circles, awesomely thick. . you must have understand how long have i not had a good rest. .
welcome to nus architecture, the beginning. . i got this feeling that the worst is yet to come. . tutorials yet to start. . next it will. . i got them balloted already though, managed to get my tues free. . doesnt mean no school, it's allocated to chiong the assignments. . you know it will just keep coming. .

i had applied for hostel, not sure if i will get it, but just give it a try. . im not quite like to travelling. . even if i have a bike to ride to and fro. . few nights ago, i skidded and nearly got into an accident while riding back home. . i will be damn tired whenever i go home, and it's dangerous. .
that night i had mistaken a shadow for a fallen tree on the road, hit the brake too hard and skidded. fortunately no car was behind me and i didnt fall down. . it could be fatal. .
Better off having a place to stay in school. . save me the trouble of travelling. . some days like wednesday it really defeat the purpose of travelling, because lecture ends late and start early the next day. .

well. . i desperately need rest. .

2008-08-16T01:29:00.003+08:00

Hello people. . ! it's been so long. . how have you been?

im either too tired or too busy. . the start of school havent been too kind. .

Can you imagine that i actually had two assignments just purely on the first day of school. .?
in university, 'assignment' does not just mean your normal worksheets where you just fill in the blanks through flipping the textbook or whatsoever. . they are works that you require you to do research, write essay, and then do presentation. . well for architecture at least. . it takes a long time to do. . and most of the time you realise nothing comes to your mind and you just have no idea how to do it. .

im feeling so stressful. . assignments just keep coming, weekends are gone as far as i see it. . now im thinking how to balance my tuitions with my academic works. .
the worst part so far has been that im struggling. . im bad with drawing, bad with design, poor in creativity, lack of knowledge, 3-dimensional handicap and so many more ways i can describe. .
i don't really get what the lecturers and tutors are talking most of the time. . students. . i do experience how you feel right now. . .

but. . im not at all intending to give up. . not a thought of it. . just try try try. . work abit harder. . sleep abit less. .
i love school actually. . i met some good people in studio and it was pretty fun staying in school till late everyday. . do some work, walk around and mingle with friends. . life's pretty good this way. .

alright. . better get some sleep. .!

2008-07-27T20:51:00.002+08:00

As i looked through the cards. . i was suddenly indulged in a sea of emotions. . i don't know how to describe this feeling. . it's a mixture of happiness and sadness. . it is really intense. .

No doubt im really sad to leave. . i wish to stay to help these people for their o levels. . because having me to help them and someone else is really really different. . im not referring as in im damn good at teaching, in fact im damn lousy actually. . but sometimes it's not about being really good or bad, it's the amount of dedication, the passion and the desire to do the thing. . every minutes and seconds that i was teaching them, i did it with the utmost sincerity. . i may not have done a good job, but im sincere in helping. .

so well. . anyway. . i really thank my 4E5 and 4E2 for the card. . it was pretty memorable. . i have received a lot of cards in my life, but this one was something i will want to keep for a very long time. . thank you!

i left school that day, 24 July around 3.45pm. . the day was fine, i left with a heavy heart. . pretty sad that im leaving the school again, leaving this bunch of students who i have been with. . It was a mere 4 months. . . Ups and downs. . and through all these we have developed a good relationship with each others. . I treated them more like my juniors than my students. . and it was more like a friendships that i have made. .

Anyway. . i just want to say thank you. . and sorry. . to my classes from 4E5, 4E2, 4E6 as well as those sec 5s who have came to me for guidances for a while. . This short moment in bowen has been a wonderful experience with them around. . they were a fantastic lot of students. . really. . and i regret in any way that i have not been good in teaching or i have failed to help them. .
Now, i have got to leave for my own studies. . i wish all of them will do well for their o levels. . and i will look forward to go down on result them to see them with tears of happiness. . it will be my happiness too. .
Take care and study hard, beloved students. .

with my 4E5 class.

2008-07-27T12:07:00.002+08:00

im needing some energy and lotsa time to finish the stories that had happened over the recent days. .

well. . went drinking at our usual hangout yesterday. . it was part of the celebration for willy's birthday, before that we have had a dinner on thursday. . so anyway. . that was gonna be the last drinking session for me before uni starts and i can forsee that i won't be even able to afford that kinda time and money on alcohol anymore. . perhaps not that often. .
i guess i had come to this stage whereby i can hold my alcohol pretty well. . i havent got wasted for very long time. . in fact i never. . the closest i went was getting really tipsy and spoke plenty of nonsense on one of the night at the pub. . i did have quite a bit yesterday night too. . but i still went home a sober person. . level upped for my tolerance. .
shall not dwell any further, in case people think i am a alcohol addict.

I was pretty hostile to kelvin goh during soccer in the morning. . felt really bad about it. . some times i can be damn relax while playing, but when i get serious, and i put in really much effort in keeping the game going, i cant tolerate mistakes. . we were playing against the navy team and after losing to them times and again, i was determined to go in and kick their asses out of the court. . that explains that anger. . i just got those kinda 'don't want don't like to lose' attitude. . im sure people who play with me understand. . No hard feelings, kelvin go for friendship in and out of the game, i go for victory in the game and then friendship out of the game. . i don't bear grudges for clashes that occurred in the court. .
nevertheless we still managed to get the navy team out. . i was really determined not to lose again. .

I am the current in charge of my nurture programme at toa payoh. . and seriously speaking, i am not too sure if i am the right person for the job. . i feel i am squeezing every juice out of myself in order to perform my duties. . with my kinda experience, simple things like chairing a meeting is a demanding business to me. .
dealing with the kids is another challenge. . but it sometimes rather tricky. . not an easy task. . yesterday i went down to check out on the activities run by the nyjc interactors and i have to be the bad guy, stopping all the games and give them a lecture for not behaving. . then there was jonathan throwing a truant at the middle of everything, something i seriously hate. . i thought of letting him be initially, but somehow i still went over to talk to him. .
i have not had the slightest idea of whether doing these is right or wrong. . there's no one to teach me, no book to refer. . i just hope, pray hard that it's a correct thing to do. .

to b c'tinued>

2008-07-25T23:54:00.002+08:00

It's been a long awaited post. .
given the serious problem my desktop is in, i didnt have the means to blog till i got my sis's macbook. . till i have the energy to do so. .
not that im not tired right now. . well, i doubt im completely this post. . maybe just start it off with part 1. . .

im damn tired. . when im tired i don't like thinking. . or in fact i cant. . so people who know me well enough should know that i got some mood swing when im tired. . i won't be too keen in engaging in conversation, because it requires thinking. . Talking requires you to think of the topics to talk about, to analyse the subject and give an answer to it etc. . so i most of the time i will just keep rather quiet. .

alright. . today is friday. . or i should say it's saturday already. . it was matriculation day and i spent large part of my day in NUS, listening to lectures, attending the registration thingy as well as the cca fair. . i got another og, too. . it's for the o week. . no one's too keen on this now, after attending the foc. . we were all preferred to be in our own foc og clique rather than entertaining new people you don't know. .
it wasnt a day that i feel like entertaining. . and........... continue next time. . im too tired to continue

2008-07-12T23:52:00.002+08:00

Next week gonna be another busy week again. . im still figuring how should i sort up my schedule. .
Taking over mrs sundram's classes from mon to thurs. . im not sure how i gonna handle it. . they are all the classes i most not want to take. . the sec 5 na. . i guess i will just most likely leave the classroom management thing aside,not gonna handle their discipline problems. .
Anyway, im still in a dilemma on whether i should quit after next week. . i feel like. . yet i wish to help my 4e5 and 4e6 for a little while more. .
but then schedule already so hectic and tiring. . morning to school, afternoon still have tuitions and then now, have to set time for the rag thingy. .
I don't mind the hectic part, it makes time pass faster, but the tiring part, i need some good long sleep. . cant be taking coffee every morning to wake myself up. . im already becoming a caffeine addict already. .

i went for the rag thingy yesterday after school. . far and expensive journey to nus and i predict myself travelling like pretty frequently this month. . i had volunteered for the float. . cant dance for nuts seriously. . so i go behind the scene. . it's really a lot to be done. . yet the issue is, i cant commit that much time given the kinda schedule im having now. . perhaps after quiting school i will have more time and energy to do this. . going to do this after school is really exhausting, and i havent have that much mood to entertain new people. .
anyway. . i appeared to be very enthusiastic to work on the float. . i am. . since im there just do whatever i can lo. . some of the seniors got the impression i am very hardworking. . well, i just rather have something to keep myself occupied. .

alright. . i guess i will most likely cancel most of my tuitions next week. . jerry's leaving after next week. . gonna spend some time catching up with him before he becomes the next person i know to fly to australia to study. .

so many things to do! sianz

2008-07-07T22:04:00.003+08:00

Warning: The following image may cause discomfort and uneasiness. Please close your eyes and this window immediately if you experience such symptoms.

I guess a picture speaks a thousand words. . This picture depicts one of the scenario in the camp. . I was dressed up as a woman and showcased in a MTV presentation. . well not only me, there was another guy from the other og. . we dance, shake our butts and made sexy moves in this spice girls mtv, spice up your life. . . i wonder anyone recorded our presentation down, but i supposed it was really really funny. . . and i havent imagine myself doing that. . I got xiao wei to thank for that, she was the one who sabo me. . anyway, it was good fun. . just kinda embarrassing. . but seriously. . do i looked hot? hahaaaa. . please don't puke upon seeing it. .

anyway. . that wraps up for the camp. . it was fun. . yes. . and i was enthu. . yes . . but i still find it a pity that i havent know more people. . havent made myself a prominent enough person. .
so now. . im seeing myself to join rag and flag. . but there's still a matter of forking the time out. . still have to go back to bowen and there's tuition and all that craps to settle. . damn sian. . i wanna make my uni life exciting man!

2008-07-06T11:54:00.002+08:00

Super nice. . super enthusiastic. .

Akit FOC 2008. . It was pretty fun. .
Really fun, i told myself it really was. . not to the extent that im falling head to heel over it, well, when you think it's fun, it will be. .

Cant understand? To put it in simple terms, the camp was quite fun. . not very. . and i will wanna think that it was a lot more fun than it really was because ive really tried my best to throw my heart and soul into making myself enjoy the camp. .

Well, i started off the first day reaching late for the camp. . Delayed by the stupid mobilisation briefing. . this sort of things ever seems so waste of time. .
Quite worried that i wouldnt be able to integrate myself into the og after missing the first part of the day that included the most crucial icebreaker games. .
Upon arrival, i was immediately joining them for games. . though it was kinda awkward as i know none of them at all. . yet coincidentally, kevin, fellow srjcian in akit was in the og which we were playing the game against. . So somehow or rather, i didnt wait too long to get the first person i know. .
Nevertheless, it was just the start of 4 days worth of enthusiasism from me. .

i wanted to go into the camp, make some friends and totally enjoy myself after a week of hardwork before this. . Heard from people who had went for the arts camp that they had some terrific time. . i want to be like that too. . Did not mind not sleeping just to get the most fun out of it. .
Anyway. . i tried and was really enthu. . and i realised, this is about just going all out, not caring about how people see you and totally let go of yourself. .

My og. . they were nice people. . just that sometimes i feel perhaps not too on. . well whatever, when no one lead, i tried to lead. . we have some great times playing games, and it makes me feel good to be entertaining them too. .

Im from Ando, which came from the name of the famous architect, Tadao Ando. . We are red, we are a bunch not that kinda super enthu people, yet among our own, we are a fun lot to be with. .

-to be continued. . part 1 ends.

2008-06-22T07:05:00.002+08:00

I could remember vividly. . it wasnt too long ago. . less than 1 hour before this moment. .
Suddenly, it became torturously painful. . Not the kind of pain that you feel when you got a deep cut or something, it's something that i felt so hard to stand. .
It threw me into a sudden fit of shivering. .
And as the harsh wind blew on my legs, shoulders and face, all which were uncovered by the cloths that were on me, the pain intensified. . i wouldnt want to move an inch more if i could, as every slight movement make the pain more unbearable. .
Mustering all my endurance, i tried to reach for my windbreaker and waterproof pant from the box as i continued to shiver in the coldness. .
Finally, after a hell of a struggle, i got them out and put them on. .
it eased the intensity, yet not entirely rid of it. . i was suffering every minute on the road till i reached home. . at last. . it was over. .

i was pillioning Jerry back from our night cycling at that point of time. .when it started to drizzle and rain on our way back. . At first the chill was bearable, yet as the rain got heavier, it became too much for me to continue riding. . As i stopped by the roadside, i found myself shivering helplessly. .

I was at my weakest. . and i saw my weakest. .

2008-06-16T17:06:00.002+08:00

Do you think im childish. .? Im think im very very childish. .
and i cant help it. .

Not only that. . i think im quite stupid too. . but since stupid is a relative term, i will say im not smart. .

Dont ask me when am i thinking it this way. . it's a combination of incidents. . i just want to vent my unhappiness here. .
because some things i wouldnt prefer to tell. . not to anyone. .

Smile. . smile even when it's at the worst. . Yes im wearing it now. . just that i dont feel a single good inside. .

Heaven seemed forgotten to bless me with certain things in life. . im struggling to get hold of them. .

2008-06-14T12:51:00.002+08:00

One of those days i feel like shit. .
Look forward to soccer with so much enthusiasm and it turned out to be a horrendous outing. .

Don't play anymore, just go home and sleep. . im thinking it this way. .

Im pretty pissed off with the way we played. . im sorry if i had shouted on the court. . it was not directed at anyone. . i just cant help but to let my anger be let off instantaneously. .
Against Nic's team and the NYJC team, we looked like easy meat to them. . I seriously hate it, especially when the way we were playing wasnt even close to putting in a good fight with them. .

Im frustrated. . im not in the best of mood these few days. . wish i can just close my eyes and forget all the things. .

2008-06-14T00:24:00.002+08:00

Im blogging!
Im blogging because i feel like im the least busy man on earth. . Im blogging because i really feel bored. .

I feel like im wasting time. . but im too lazy. . too lazy to find something to do. . Wednesday, thursday, friday. . I stayed at home except tuitions. . im damn like. . no life. .?

everyone's busy with a job, except me. . cant expect myself to go out everyday and waste my hard earned money? Already that damned bike is giving me hell of a problem that ive been sending it to the workshop for repairs once and again. . splashing cash again and again. .

Life aint easy. . Never feel good to be in any state. . Slack too much you feel guilty, play too much you feel guilty too. . Work too hard you find it too tiring. . Never work you find it too uneasy. .

Haiz. . Im so useless now. . need to find ways to make myself useful. .

I just hope the weather is good tomorrow morning. . Playing soccer. . Soccer is like my escape from reality right now. . Only in soccer i really find myself. . where i really can indulge and truly let go. .

2008-06-02T23:58:00.002+08:00

Im really feeling very vexing. . It's like. . so many things on my mind. . so many things that i have got to settle, it's kinda driving me crazy. .

This afternoon's event was had gave me a hell of a time. . I rode to woodland for tuition. . I was able to start the vehicle, it all went off smoothly. . Never did i know that the vehicle suddenly failed to start when i was prepared to ride back home. . I broke sweat to try to get it started. . but to no avail. . Such a heavy vehicle, i was pushing it here and there, down the slope and even up the slope. . Finally i gave up in desperation. . Called the bike shop fella and requested for towing. . Spoke to one the guy on the phone, i wasnt sure whether he understand what i was saying, he was like, got no clue of where the hell i was at. . somehow he just said ok, got my details and hung up. .
Im not sure how this thing gonna be settle, i just really pissed off that the vehicle give me this kinda problem at this timing, and i have to fork out money now to fix it. . It's not gonna end like this, not until they called me and tell me that the vehicle has already been towed. . I wouldnt be surpised that when i returned tomorrow, my vehicle is still left there, not towed. .
Pissed off. . why the hell am i paying for such a crap motorcycle. .

And then, my university thingy still not yet settled. . The damned SMU still not yet reply back to me regarding my application. . Cant they just quickly tell me if i am rejected. . This is freaking inefficient. . I needa confirm my NUS admission by this week and get all the administration stuffs settled soon. .

我好烦!

2008-05-29T20:33:00.002+08:00

I havent been blogging for ages. . i didnt feel like blogging nowadays. . too lazy to do so. . and whenever i feel like doing so, im either tired or nothing just comes to my mind. .
Nothing interesting to say also. . or maybe there is, but by the time im in the right place and right state to put it down in words, ive cleanly forgotten it all. .
Maybe soon or later i will be closing this blog down. .

Im too bored right now. . that's why im blogging. . too tired to do anything else, except to stare at the computer, i don't know what i can do. . there isnt seem to be any good person there to talk to in msn, i feel like going to sleep this early. .

Tomorrow may be the last day in school, mrs cheng still havent confirm whether i will be back next term. . she said most probably, but cant confirm. . she will call me again. . alright. . i will wait for her call then, meaning i cant make any plan for term 2 as yet, till that call arrived. .

At this point, i can sorta draw a conclusion to my 'teaching' career. . I cant teach. . im really lousy at it. . the students should know best. . when it comes to tutoring, i realised it's quite manageable for me. . but when it comes to teaching in front of an entire class, i guess few understand what exactly am i teaching. . It all goes down to presentation skill i guess. . i never been good at it. . How can you just get those concepts across to these students, such that they will understand and listen to you. . It's a skill to be learned, im disappointed with myself for the failure at this area. .
This itself i know is the single most crucial part of teaching, and i know im havent done a good job because of this. . I always seek to make up for this by providing solutions, doing walk downs to tutor those who don't understand during lessons. . No matter how lousy i am, trust me, for i trust myself for that, that i always try to do the best i can. .
I respect those who bring themselves out well, those who are able to drill concepts into the students mind, someone like azhar. . he's been doing very well. . we all think he's a gifted teacher. .
For me, i do hope that experience will groom me to a better presenter. . i dont pray to become one who speak fantastic english and present himself like an US presidential candidate, but i want to be someone, who when even speaking broken english, can let the students understand concepts, listen to your teachings. . that's a teacher. .
I love teaching, and i can say that i will want to be a teacher. . i dare to say this even when i havent been anywhere good at it so far. . But when im really go into teaching one day, i will be better, i seriously hope so. .

Alright, i won't make it sounds as though it has been disastrous experience. . in fact, the experiences have been positive, pretty enjoyable at times. . For all the classes i take, 4E2, 4E5 and 4E6, they are all a bunch of pretty nice pupils. . i do enjoy taking their classes. . Being with them sometimes makes me feel as though ive returned to my old secondary school days. . and in them, i see traces of myself and my class back at the good old times. .
I learned things from them as well. . it may even appears that it is more fruitful for me than from them. .

Finally, i love my bowen experience. . it will not be a full stop as yet. .

2008-05-18T14:57:00.002+08:00

Im losing my job soon. . As the june holiday approaches. .
Tuitions gonna stop, many of them going on holidays and ive finally decided to pass joanne and joyce to chen laoshi. .
I guess it will be most beneficial to them this way. . Joyce is okie, i can see her improving, even though sometimes she behaves crazily. . but joanne, she's kinda drove me mad most of the times. . she's so young, so cute, but she's really slow in her learning. . it's difficult to teach. . i have to admit that i don't have the patient to guide her. . already she's not performing well academically, may be a female tutor who's can be fiecer will make her better. .

It's been pretty slack life ever since examinations started and ended. . some times, quite lost at what to do. . i cant possibly be going out spending money every day. . given the current state of my income. .
Ive recently made a purchase of 200 bucks worth of clothings. . 2 polo tees, 2 shorts and 1 pair of converse canvas. . not bad huh. . shopping spree again, i had quite a number of shopping sprees this year and always have to convince myself that it's right to spend. . there's some sort of psychological imbalance in me that makes me feel comfortable after spending on clothes. . yucky. .

I met up with da ming xing, xu ya hui on wednesday. . well. . not me alone. . with jerry. . it was the first time ive saw her since she took up celebrity status and. . she appears to be still the same old person we have known her, except, probably the make up she wears when she's out. . we had some good catching up session and will be meeting again on thursday, back to school for badminton. . that's what she suggested. . i could sense she's putting in efforts to bring back friends that have drifted away since she went to stardom. . we should be pretty much appreciative of that. .

Im loving tennis. . though at this stage im still rather lousy at it. . i don't aspire to be a pro, i just want to play reasonably well so that i can feel the fun and excitement of the game. . im keen to make it one of my cca, and if i can play it more often, then i will be good, then i can teach others how to play too. .

2008-05-08T15:04:00.003+08:00

I guess exams are almost over. . and at last, it marks the end of these few days of intensive tuition sessions. .
it's like the first day of this week that i have not have to rush to tuition after school in the morning. . it's kinda tiring. . and im tired now. .
freak weather been causing extra fatigue that's accumulated and some times i can just nearly doze off during the tuitions. . it took amazing determination not to do so. .

though ive been appearing to be rather busy, it was not exactly so. . to school in the morning im just going for classes for invigilation duties. . which is like 3 half an hours duties per day? outside invigilation time i got plenty of time to slack, read magazine and idle. . it's relax but well, im someone who cant stand idling. . i wish i can have some scripts to mark, like the rest. . it's getting boring. .
by now my e math students had all completed their last maths paper. . it doesnt look good at all. . . im getting lost at what to do with the kinda results they are producing. . how can i help them, that's a big question that linger on my mind whenever i see them. . they are really weak and there's a giant obstacle that shows the limit that i can go to help them. . im lacking of capability, resources. .
i got around 1 more month before i ceased my work there and go back to studies and i seriously hope to see them becoming better before i leave, that will be an astounding achievement to me. .
nevertheless, at least now i can see a few good thing coming out. . some students are proactively seeking my help and there's improvement in their attitude too. . great, but i hope it's not just only during exam period. .

ive gone for countless invigilations right now. . you can be surprised that invigilation is more tiring than going to lessons. . standing down there and gazing your eyes at the students is strenous, you feel so tired after an hour or so. .
i have through many exams and the scene was never so interesting. . as an invigilator, ive got this observation about students doing examinations. . i call it 'swimming'. . the students will be buring their head on the papers, vigorously scribbling non-stop at their scripts, then occasionally, they will raise their head up, look around at the surrounding, take a deep breath and returns to the paper. . It was a scene i witnesses countless time, and it truly looked like the one where people swim, using breaststroke. . taking a deep breath, dive into the water then come up and take a deep breath again. . amusing. .

my desktop is back to life again. . but my songs, photos and whatever crap that used to be inside is gone. . it cant even read chinese characters. . pathetic. . feel like getting laptop soon and throw away this lousy piece of crap metal. .
i want my songs back, and the handicap of reading chinese is making the task of downloading songs impossible. . i cant even amend and update the songs ranking here. .

after the third lesson of tennis, i feel kinda better at it now. . not till the extent where i can hit and return with ease, but i guess i don't feel that noob anymore. . it's really damn fun, if you know how to play. . i wanna be good enough to play the game with ease such that i can have another option to spend my freetime. . way to go!

2008-05-03T18:16:00.003+08:00

Soccer in the morning. . Cancelled. . Tuition in the evening. . Cancelled. . So that wrapped up my saturday. . I slept and slack all the way till now, the time, 6.30 pm. .
Isnt life a joke? when you are so busy, things kept coming till you are out of your breath. . when you are left with not a single things on your hand, nothing comes and you just wait to rot at one corner. .

It's been kinda busy, tuition after school on wed, thurs and fri, then tuition on sat and sun too. . sleep was never enough. .
so now, i guess i had replenished some of the lost sleep over the past weeks. .
but it's becoming kinda no life already. . well after exams are over, school holiday starts, im gonna relax. . i hope i can go overseas. . i want to go clubbing too. . so all that to look forward to. . .

That smu reply took too long to come. . i have gave up 90% of the hope. . 80% settled to go to NUS architecture. . everybody kept saying good when they heard im going aki. . good too i thought. . sounds kinda zai to be in there. . never mind if feel zai and doing zai is different thing. . the feeling counts now, doing well or badly counts later. .

That tennis lesson is a thoughout demoraliser man. . Feels like shit in there. . The coach had separated us into two side. . obviously one the better, the other the lousier one. . needless to mention which i am in. . there, there's left with 3. . struggling to master the basic few strokes while the others are freely practising their newly acquired skills, stroking the ball across the court with ease. . nothing is better a way to silent me. . you successfully in making me feel like shit, you did it. . my silent continue till i get myself promoted to the next level. .

2008-04-22T22:10:00.002+08:00

i received my first ever parking ticket. . congratulation. . cost me $8. . i hate to pay. . i never want to pay for parking and it only proved to be an unlucky day for me to be fined for it. . it's either an unlucky day or an unlucky spot, i will remember to buy coupon to place on my vehicle when i park there again. .

it was my first tennis lesson. . yet again the kinda feel where you are pretty helpless. . and useless. . of course ive grown to learn that this is just the beginning and things will surely improved as the time goes. .
im not dishearten or anything like that to see myself cant even master a single stroke, but the thing is that i cant help staring in green eyes when i see others equally new to the game playing with ease while i struggle even to hit the ball. . As you grow up, you realised you are not cut out in a lot of things. . and things became worse when you are a slow learner yourself. .
nevertheless. . despite the adversities, you should never stay in your comfort zone and just stick to what you are best at. . like i was complaining that i should just play my soccer. . no matter how hard it is, learning one more new trade will be a great enhancement to your life. .
yes, the more fuckup it becomes, the more hard you try. . IM MOTIVATED. .

alright. . ive just got a psp slim last week. . i wont say im obsessed with it. . but ive been playing it daily. . but well this machine that i had bought for $385 kept giving me problems here and there. . pissed off sometimes, gonna get it to the shop and have the man to check out for me. . freaking lotsa troubles. .

okie school. . sometimes feel quite unhappy with things. . sometimes i feel quite please with things. . it's kinda mood swing. .
but all i have to say that it takes a lot of experience and work to become a good teacher. . im not up to it. . i can try and willing to try. . it's all back to the never say die attitude. . so sometimes when it's good, you feel good, sometimes when things don't turn up well, then you feel pretty lousy. .
im not gonna complain things, i guess enough of my whinings, i will just take everyday as it comes and try my best in things to come. .

2008-04-13T12:08:00.002+08:00

The headline. . Buddies turn against each other. .

a fateful gathering turned out unfateful. . it was supposed to be a joyous, happy outing. . somehow it became pretty unfortunate. .

if rong thinks he read me like a book. . then i am not afraid to announce that i read him, wei and roy like a book too. .

i know what they are like. . their merits. . their flaws. . i accept their flaws with grace and take their merits with honour. . it's what buddies do. .
if friends have to respect each others, what's more buddies. .
define respect. .
in my context right now. . it goes something like that. . even when your buddy is obviously at the wrong side, you don't tell him off straight away. . just like you don't tell your parents off when they obviously did something wrong. .
instead, you find a good proper occasion and speak to him nicely. .

Friends, are human beings, and human beings are human beings afterall. . there are occasions where they make mistakes. . misjudgement, and create misunderstandings. . Be the understanding one in the misunderstanding. .
It's now about the word tolerant. .
Understand the flaw of his, relent to his mis-actions, he will be grateful when he reflects later. .

Wei is someone who speak his mind. . especially on the issue of 'righteousness'. . he is more of those kinda people who believe in being nice to everyone, whether is it a friend or stranger. . he hasnt got an idea about standing at the side of friend in the event of a dispute when it involve 'being righteous'. .
Rong is someone who stand up for his buddies, even if he is at fault. . because he know us, the faith that he buddies won't do anything too wrong. . but sometimes, he's too rash and forgot about rationality. .
It's almost totally opposite personality. . . it most likely crash if one side do not practise tolerant and respect. .
however. . things sometimes spring out of control, that's where conflict arises. .

it awaits a cool down for both of them and one side decide to relent. . rong is more of the mature one. . wei's thinking sometime a little bit too naive, although it's with kind intention. .

hope they can resolve their differences and reconciled soon. .

2008-04-08T19:16:00.002+08:00

My bro is attached. .! Shots of intimate pictures between the two taken inside the laptop. . i took a quick peek into it. . . All the while i thought he doesnt care about affairs of the heart. . well. .
it's good. . no wonder they say loves work wonder. . look at my brother. . mild temper nowadays. . not like last time, mood swing once in a while. . the magic of love i supposed. . happy for him, beneficial for me. . i don't have to stand his foul tempers. . at least for a while. .
My brother goes for girls with nice character i assume. . hope that is the case. .

Don't blame me if i still talk about work. . i always say things about work. . it's like gonna reflect that im someone not suitable to join the workforce yet. . of course. . if im rich enough, i will be happy not to work. .

i've finally got someone who managed to pass my test. . jie shen from 4e6. . he managed to score 24 out of 30. . im happy for him, but it was no cause to celebrate. . it shows the disparity between him and the rest. . he's a nice boy, sitting quietly at one side, working hard with his questions. . a totally different person from the others. . i was expecting him to do well, fortunately he did not disappoint me. .
i was finally able to give 4e6 the test, finished marking with the papers and as usual, it was a similar scenario to 4e5. . shaking my head as i mark through. .
Im at a lost at how should i go about it. . yes chee yong and azhar advised me to go harder on them. . but it's not as easy as going to do it than say it. .
have set the standard to in the beginning, will they still listen if you suddenly change your style. . it's a lot more other considerations other than this. . i wont go into details. .
Right now im actually prepared to sound them out. . hopefully they are willing to listen. . it's their lives. . what i can do is to do my best to teach, the rest is up to them. .

i realised ive made a mistake in one of the question. . the second time already. . it's seriously set me in a difficult position like this. . already not doing a good job with the teaching part and now, kinda like rubbing salt to the wound. .
i got no hesitation to admit my mistake in front of the students. . im not afraid of losing face, i gracefully apologise to them for my mistakes. . i got a skin as thick as that of elephant's in this kinda situation. . but it's not a good time. .

okie. . anyway. . the tuition thingy is giving a hell of a headache. . marcus is having cca all too often this week that i have to change the tuition times again. . feel like giving him a piece of my mind. . is he the only person busy. . mess up my schedule. . pissed. .

2008-04-07T17:02:00.002+08:00

Blues. . . i didnt really like monday. . it always look blue and it is a definite long day for me. .
Weekend has been especially short. . i cant get enough of that sleep im needing. . it seems forever the case. . because give me a choice between going out to enjoy and staying at home to sleep, the earlier choice will make me forget that human beings actually need sufficient sleep to stay healthy. . You know when you don't sleep enough, the fatigue that accumulated as a result of long nights will cause your breath to be heaty and heavy, a sign of unwell. . im getting small doses of that right now. .

The start of weekday essentially means work work and work. . it's pretty sian. . well. . the schedule for the weekday look something like this. . Wake up 6.30 am in the morning every day. . Monday will be a longer day. . estimated ending time. . 3pm. . Tuesday and thursday have tuition after school. . wednesday and friday only two days where you let your hair down a bit. . Possibility of tuition squeezing into friday = 75%. . so left only wednesday. . Some bad days you get relief classes that caused your short days to end long. . Some week like last week is more energy draining than the rest. . Tiring. .

I gave a test to 4e5 today. , guess my highest student. . 13/30. . clap. . i cant say my paper is too tough. . personally extracted the questions from the paper they have did before, making slight amendment here and there and that's the result ive got. . im not sure if i should laugh or cry. .
the second bad thing that occurred today was 4e6. . im little bit frustrated with this. . They took such a long time to proceed for my class and when i went over to get them eventually, not all turned up. . i was about to give them a test but by the time 20 minutes have passed and they was not enough time to do the test. . Monica suan was conducting a geography revision reliefing andrew yeo's class and some of them actually rather stay in the class. .
I sent all of them back to the class, there was no point for the test with the kinda attendance and time im left with. .
The third bad thing that happened was during mrs sundram's chemistry remedial with the 5N classes. . I was asked to go through one question with them but it seems that no one understand my explanations. . I think i myself also do not know what i am explaining. .
For me it's something like this. . i need preparation before i go in. . because my mind tends to go blank easily. . i need time to think through to get an answer and then sort out how to put it across. . it's like those lousier processor you have got for your pc last time, kinda slow to process though it's workable. . you needa give it time to download all the information. .

Well, all these actually made me feel kinda think that i have been doing a rather bad job. . Im not sure if i still need a longer time to adapt but it is still not going too well even though some time i do get the fake impression that i am doing well. . I do like this job, being able to teach things to people is something really nice feeling to me. . but liking and being able to do a good job is really two different issues. . im still not willing to draw a conclusion that if i am cut out to be this line, bearing the hope that things will improve as time goes. . It appears that time is running short. . when mid year is over in slightly more than a month's time, we will see if it's suitable for me. .
Not to think about being outstanding, i just wanna get the basic tune right first. .

2008-03-31T17:06:00.002+08:00

Finally done applying for SMU, NTU and NUS. . That's all the university that i can apply i supposed. . aside that uniSIM of course. .

I invested $15+$10+$10. . hopefully i can get something out of it. . i need a switch of course. .
if. . i mean touch wood, that it happens that i don't get a single choice out of all these, then i will have to curse my luck and suck my thumb to accept this architecture course that i have been given. .
It's still quite possibly this could happen. . given now the situation, the most optimistic one that i can think of is that SMU offer me its economics course. . If that don't even happen, the worst is most likely inevitable. .
If NUS and NTU offer me, i don't even wish for a direct offer, i will be happy enough if they give me an interview, then it will most ideal. . or i should call it, a 'bonus'. .
I will call it a 'miracle' if NTU offer me it's accountancy, or Maths and Econs course. .
Just wait and see. . .

Alright. . Monday. . The start of the third week of my 'career' in bowen. . Mondays always look so blue to me. . I have lessons until 3pm and cover relief duties here and there. . It was rather hectic until 2.30pm. . looks to gonna be worse but the last class which i was supposed to cover a remedial class for 5A2 didnt turn up. . probably thinking that it has been called off since mrs sundram's not around. . gave me an early 30 minutes dismissal. . well, it don't make too much of a difference eventually, i still stayed back to do some work and left around 3.15pm. .
Well. . i have still yet to discover if i can be a teacher. . someone like me, crude looking, crude language, crude personality. . your impression of a teacher always almost the opposite. .
I can be frank to tell that till now i still haven't truly execute the job of a teacher. . I can afford to make friends with the pupils, talk to them like a pal because im not exactly a teacher. . I like it this way because it's good feeling to be able to mix with students and revive some of the good old school days. . I preferred to see myself as their senior, a mentor. . Im just like 5 years older than them. .
There's a different between azhar and me. . Azhar always been a discipline person, a nice boy in school. . If you know me you know im nothing of that sort. . It directly affects how you treat your student. . pupil like me seldom become educators, pupil like him are born educator. .
He go for discipline, more command and control. . for my case, discipline leave it to discipline teachers, just ensure they don't get overboard and control wise, i don't seek to be an authoritarian. .
It may sounds in a way that im not serious or dedicated to my job. . but i know myself best if i am. .
One more thing to add. . that azhar is performing the duty of a teacher, im not. . so the key thing is that till now, i don't need to instil an air of authority in front of the student. .
Perhaps when i decided to be a teacher in future, i will come back to bowen, and then i will start to bear a resemblance of azhar's style. . discipline and obedience from the pupils. . only then can results be produced. . for this point of them, i will have to pray hard that the students do produce some results under my relaxed guidance. .

2008-03-29T00:58:00.002+08:00

It's freakingly humid today. . im kinda sweating everywhere i go. . freak weather. .

Thank God it's friday. . and it's liyun's birthday today. . happy birthday. . ! chelsea. .! intended to get her a chelsea jersey, but well, i searched every adidas shop in town after my interview on wednesday still cant locate one. . tried again at ang mo kio hub yesterday and to no avail again. . pretty much of a pity, we settled for a pink levi watch eventually. . it's pink, hopefully she will like it, as we thought she will, for anything that's pink. . next year. . will try to get her the chelsea jersey next year. . there will be chance. .
anyway, hope the two chelsea sweets that i have got in random has made up for some of the letdown. .
it's random as in, it was happened to be offered to me on tuesday by one of my tuition's kid uncle. . sorry i lied. . i told her i had specially got for her. .
alright, pretty good party she has got for the night. . lotsa people turned up and i can see she has certainly enjoyed it. . so do we. . just a little bit turned off by the humidity. .

anyway Pei zi was there. . she's liyun's childhood friend. . this world is sometimes sorta small. . you bump into friends who are friend's of friend every now and then. . Pei zi's my old secondary school classmate. . and coincidentally, me, liyun and she are all from the same primary school. . xinmin primary. .
Meeting her again this time had actually made me realised that she has changed quite a lot. . definitely in the good way. . i wouldnt know how do i describe it, it's just different as compared to the past. . it's good to know that she has progress well in her life and currently waiting for entry into SIM. .

well then, we have ting jun there also. . finally. . ! but i cant take this lying down that she turned up for her birthday party and not mine. . ! sounds like a kid right now. . alright, at least got to see her after such a long time. . i guess if she's gonna MIA like that so too often, i cant be sure i will remember her the next time we meet. . alright, everyone do hope to see her more often. . .

2008-03-26T21:42:00.002+08:00

Interview with SMU school of economic. . I was damn nervous, could feel the trembles in myself as i prepare to answer and answered the questions. The interview went something like this. . .

Question. Briefly introduce yourself and tell us, if you are the prime minister, what will you do. .
Good morning everyone, my name is zhicai or you can call me keith. Im 21 this year, completed my national service, and is now working as a relief teacher in my secondary school bowen. I was a member in the school soccer team in secondary and soccer is like, my life. . for without it, i think my life would have been pretty boring. . and though i no longer take it as a cca, i still play the game every saturday. .
Regarding the question of if im a prime minister, i will be looking at two issue, education and poverty. . Education as in because while i am now working as a relief teacher in school, i realised there are many bright students who wasnt able to perform well in school because of their family background. . i happen to come across this student who has to work in the night everyday every school. . i asked how is he gonna cope with his schoolwork if he has to work in the night, he just said he has no choice since he is gonna feed his family. . such an issue has to be look at. . i do think that sometime the government is maybe looking too much on the big picture that such minor issues are often forgotten.
Secondly, about poverty. . i am currently a volunteer with one of the volunteer committee with central singapore. . i work with young children and has the chance to interact with their parent, many who i found out that they are still in poverty. . i have to agree that the government has done a pretty good job in ensuring that the people do not needa starve but somehow or rather, some of the welfare has not been able to reach these people, it is something we needa look at. . as a prime minister i will do my best at these two areas. .

Question. SMU often has overseas exchange programmes where our students have to spend a term or two overseas. If you were given the chance, which country will you wish to go.
If im given the chance, i will choose to go either china or india. . The reason is because as we know, china and india are the two rising economy in the world, to be able to spend time in the country to learn the way of living and the culture of the country will greatly enables me to know the country better and enhance my chances when doing business with them. . this will help in my career in future. .

Of course, under this kinda tense circumstances, i was like speaking in broken sentences. . but i was lucky in the way that i was sitting at the sixth position from the left and second from the right. . the interview took place as a group as the interviewer started from left to right for the first question and right to left for the secon question. i always have enough time to prepare myself. .

They were not perfect answers but given the amount a fatigue accumulated in me after spending a night drinking at jon's house, i should well be satisfied with it. . it's now left to fate if im offered the course. .

2008-03-24T16:43:00.002+08:00

The scoreline read 3-0 to Manchester United. . It's one that breaks me into a fit of cursing and swearing. . When the hell is this damned club that i am supporting gonna cut the losing streaks to the most hated club to many like me. . . While you all winning clubs like inter milan, you can astonishingly lose 3-0 to man utd. . You can break into the finals of the champions' league yet you can also struggle even to secure fourth spot in the league. . your liverpool is a joke. . pissed off upon hearing the victory, please either get yourself relegated or attempt to clinch the title. .

Back from school already, after finishing the start of my second week in school. . It's been good. . I am enjoying going to school as days goes. . i won't say more. . im still so pissed off with the scoreline. . and im really tired after the busy weekend i had. .

2008-03-18T22:16:00.002+08:00

Received a call this morning. . It was from SMU. . I'm shortlisted for an interview on next wednesday with SMU school of economics. .
Im well, at least there's something out of it. . I won't say it's my ideal. . but well. . if you cant catch the fish then you will have to make do with shrimp. . for the minimal, there's an interview for this economic course, a shot for a place inside, for the effort and money i've invested in the application. .
I would see no matter what it will be better to study economics in smu rather that stay in my architecture course in nus which i have yet to discover whether i have the interest in it. .
Anyway. . i have heard interview from smu is not gonna be easy. . i guess i will need a stroke of luck, something like what it had blesssed me when i went for the architecture apitude test last year. .

2008-03-17T15:42:00.002+08:00

First day. . first day. . first day. . every day. . good day. . sounds familiar. . it's in one of stephanie sun's song. . kinda random, but that just came to my mind. .

Today is my first day back to bowen. . as a 'teacher'. . teacher as in because i have to really do some teaching. . They call me mr chen. . it sounds really disgusting i thought. . maybe mr tan will sound kinda nicer. . but well. . i have got that surname imprinted on my ic, so will just have to make do with that until some day i will get it changed. .

Alright. . anyway. . I only have two lessons today. . One 1 hr lesson and the other 1.5 hrs. . Both are e maths. . I have 4e5 and 4e6. . .
The students. . . They are not as bad as i have imagined. . perhaps because it is of a smaller group, things did went easier for me. .
Of course it wasnt exactly easy. . with my level of experience, the easiest job will still make me break large amount of sweat. . I've said that i am not equipped with skills to handle students who pull stunts. . so my approach is always a friendly one, seeking to get into their good books. .
In a sense i felt i have been overly nice to them, talking to them in a more 'friend' manner. . It will have sounded like i have forgotten to draw a line between who's the teacher and who's the student. . i spoke to them like a friend, cracking lame jokes out of nothing. .
So i guess in any way that i have failed as a teacher, that will be the first. .

The bunch of students i have got. . for 4e5 was more like an usual bunch of pupils. . they give me minor problems here and there, like some of them did not bring their textbook, some prefer to laze around waiting for me to give them answers, some prefer to talk to their friends. . Of course these wasnt as bad as i still able to practise some control in the class. . I have to say that i cant care too much about minor issue, again because of my inexperience, it's really up to them whether they want to learn or not. .

for 4e6. . it wasnt too bad a different scenario, it's the same kinda minor issues here and there, but i actually noticed that they do have a number of students who are interested in learning. . it could be just pretentious but i choose to believe that i see. . I have got a guy who i know he's one of those trouble-makers outside from one look. . surprisingly, he actually sat quietly with another boy in front, discussing and trying to do some 10 years series question. . The book was clean, i can see he is doing it for the first time, but it had gave me the impression that at least, he still has the will to do math, to learn. .
Im not too sure if the next time i see him will he still continue this attitude, if he does, i would willingly pay more attention to help him with his work, which i have observed, is slightly slower and weaker than others. .
My heart goes to these people. . some of them are actually quite intelligent, just that they have forgotten what is the priority in life, they lack the maturity to know that trying harder in your studies and secure a good result is more important than having fun and enjoying outside now. . i told mrs cheng about this. .

So first day. . pretty shy to begin with. . because im seem to know few people there. . mrs cheng did pose the question to me. . you seem to be quite shy. . yes maybe. . im so new here, unfamiliar with the way to begin with as a teacher, how do i expect myself to be more hyper, wild and crazy. . im more like wearing mask when im in the school. . im not entirely someone who is civilised, soft spoken, polite and eloquent. . i prefer to speak in broken english, to be loud and be more casual in words and behaviour. .
I will see how i can improve of that. .

I slept late yesterday, woke up early today. . i need an afternoon nap. . see ya at night and may things turn up better in my second day. .

2008-03-16T20:55:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow. . . tomorrow will be the day. . . the day i will be back to secondary school. .
frankly speaking. . i really didnt want this day to come so quickly. . . im so afraid i would screw up. .

i don't dare to think how i would fare. . pray hard that everything will turn up well. .

All this while ive been enjoying the 1 week term break. . just like any other school students, just like how i had enjoyed 3 years ago. . .
Now im complaining just like before. . about how school holiday had ended so quickly. . even though ive been slacking, going without a job for more than a month. . yes, it's 17 March tomorrow, my last day at starhub was 12 Feb. .

hope things turned up well. .

i believe. that why i can. .

2008-03-10T16:11:00.003+08:00

My desktop is down. . . something seems to be wrong with the main board, i wasnt able to run into windows and a beeping sound kept coming out from the device itself. . . not too sure how i am gonna solve it, i guess i will just eventually leave it to my brother to do it, but at this point of time he is still busy with his university stuffs, it's gonna take some time. . .

So right now, i am dependent on my bro's laptop or sis's macbook to go online. . what a bad time. . all my songs and games are in the desktop, this last week before i engage back to work will have to do it without them. . haiz. .

anyway. . i've one last week to play before i go back to bowen to teach. . . ive to get my hair length shorten and hair colour darken by then. . a price ive to pay to go back to school. . . i hope it's worth it. .

im still in the mist of planning how i am gonna spend this week. . a couple of things to be done. . needa do some revisions for the subjects im gonna teach. . then, shop for some shirts and pant to wear to work. . bring my bike for servicings. .
besides, i wish to have some time to relax and enjoy. . hopefully able to watch some movies, go to k etc etc. .

kinda tired right now. . came back from swimming at yishun safra, it was raining but swimming still carried on. . they are going rock climbing tomorrow, im still pending if i should go. . my hands are too weak for this activity. . maybe eventually if i did go i will just go there for badminton instead. .

2008-03-09T15:02:00.002+08:00

Excruciating pain. . i have to try so hard to prevent myself from crying out too loudly. .

It happened during yesterday's court soccer. .
Everything was going fine. . The weather was good, aftering raining for the past couple of days, we have some good play out in the court, i scored a few goals 'like fernando torres'. .
But as the time goes, the weather turns from fine to hot, the fatigue became intense and i began to feel the tension on my legs. . i could feel the strains coming up on my legs, especially the left one, where there was signal from my body that a clamp is coming up soon. .
A lazy person like me ever too lazy to do stretching before any game, self proclaiming that my fitness will last me through. . Eventually when i feel the tension i try to loosen it by doing some minor stretchings and slowing my pace of play. .
It doesnt seem to have helped at all as a sudden pull of my muscle left me lying on the heated ground crying for help. .

I wander how hilarious it has been for the witnesses as a vibrant and tough-looking man on the court suddenly fell helplessly on the court, looking so despondent and crying for help. . i could hear laughters from the on-lookers. .

It was all reflexed. . The pain itself was hard to bear. . My entire calve just stiffen up involuntarily. . there was simply nothing i could do but to seek someone for help at the shortest possible time before the pain intensifies. .
Luckily a kind soul from the opposition team actually lended in a hand at this crucial moment, if not i would be suffer much worse fate. .

But the ordeal itself did not end just like that. . experience so far tells me that the clamp only last a couple of minutes, it will be fine once someone lifted up your left and push your feet inwards to let blood circulate back. .
This time round it was unusually long. . it last more than a mere 'couple of minutes', i was left suffering under scorching hot sun, burning hot ground with intensed pain on my leg. .
i was so relieved when fellow team mates came over and evacuated me to a sheltered area. . even more when the ordeal was over as the pain and stiff muscle finally go away. .

i guess im no more gonna take fitness for granted. . any one more time like this is like a trip to hell and back. . truly frightening. .
so. . warm up, stretching before any intense exercise. .!!

2008-03-07T17:12:00.002+08:00

After much struggle. . i have decided. .

I will be going back to bowen to teach again. . this time, on a longer term basis. .

Woken up from dreamland early this morning by an unexpected call. . a call from a no. from my area, hougang. . i picked it up. . and to my surprise it was mrs jane cheng, hod mathematics of bowen secondary school. .
I was wandering which mrs cheng is she until i suddenly realised that it was bowen. .

I listened as she offer me the job to take some of the graduating classes for e math and pure physics and chemistry. . .

Hesitant was the word. . i wasnt too sure if i should take up the job. . there were many concerns. .
Im not to sure whether i am up to it. . whether i will be able to practise command and control in the class. . there is definitely no problem about knowledge wise, but having got a taste what they are like, i know too well of what it's gonna be like. .

It was a dilemma that was struck in my mind for a couple of hours. . I was left with few options, time is running up and i can choose to take up this or simply waste some more time on my job hunting, which has bear no fruit so far. .

After consulting several subject matter experts, i've finally settled with the decision to take up. . the challenge. . give it a shot whatever it is. .
Afterall, chances like this don't come often, an admin position can always find another time. .
I was actually seeking an admin position so that i can add something different to my resume. . i've got a customer service experience, another admin experience will make it more all rounded. .

So. . the deal was done. . see you back in bowen. . on 17 march 2008. .
i will have to see to some preparations including getting my hair colour darken before engaging the challenge. . may things turn up right when the day comes. .

2008-03-05T16:45:00.002+08:00

Haiz. . Still no luck in my job search. . i wander what's happening. . is it because of me. .?

How has it been possible that i've been searching for an admin job for like 3 weeks that nothing seems to be coming up of it. .
it's simple. . i just want an admin job, that pays me around $7/hr, 5 days week. .

I am really starting to feel worried and anxious about this. . i need a job. .

These few weeks i have been really doing nothing. . simply wasting my time playing computer games and spending bulks of money going out to enjoy. . . it's guilt indulging i know it. . but what can i do. . jobs aint coming my way. .

i cant talk about an overseas holiday anymore at this rate it's going. . going without income for almost a month already. .
and what worse was the previous workplace has not help me to submit my time sheet for february. . i would not have know it if jacinta from the agent company has not called me to tell me. . and now after calling here and there, i've finally got the thing settled but pay will only come in in april then. .

what a bad time. .

2008-02-27T13:07:00.002+08:00

FRAUD BEWARE !!!

Fancy some stranger who call you out of the blue moon and told you that you have won a 45 days around the world tour package. .?
It's just a one person ticket so naturally you prefer something else rather than travelling alone. . so what about converting into 48k cash instead. . ? The tour itself is worth 60k, it will sounds more reasonable that the conversion to cash is less than what the prize is worth. .
Doesn't sounds real. . see it and you will believe it. .
Here, refer you to xxxx.xxx.com, and you see your name with your handphone no in the second prize list. . .

Fancy such a good deal now?? Well well, that's not all. . well, it's a hong kong company based in china, so well, there's some procedure required in order for the premiums to be sent to you.
Because you selected to take the cash, under some mainland law which you never seem to be able to understand because of the way she spoke, in thick chinese accent. . For this it will require the service of a lawyer to sort out the legal matters. . All these they will need you to transfer $3600 over to get the necessary procedures ironed out. . Out of the $3600, only $400 is for the legal fee, the remaining amount is needed for some reason, which again, you never understand. . It was claimed that it will be refunded once transaction of the premium to you is done later. .

Of course, this company is a compassionate and understanding one. . They know that for your age, still a young boy, a student, $3600 seems too much for you. . . $600 should be fine? The company will fork out the $3000 for you. . all you needa do is to transfer $600 over. . $600 for $48k, attractive enough. . ?

Simply find a money changer that offer remittance service. . Get the $600 remitted to this person call 'xia da' under a china long ye bank account and the 48k will be transferred to you before the end of office hour. .

Too good to be true. . It's as good as a bag of money dropping in front of you halfway while your walking . .

Who wants. .??

DO NOT FALL INTO SUCH SCAM.

all the while news, newspaper has been reporting about such incidents, but is it so easy to resist such temptation when it actually happens to you. . 48k. . think about what you can do with that. . we will talking about using that to finance a car yesterday night. . A honda civic worth 55k, we pay the 48k and then pay the rest of 7k in 10 years installment. . that will be less than 100 bucks per month. . can you imagine that the bill for your car is less than even your handphone bill. . ?
Such a large sum of money. . what's more you just remit $600 to them. . who the heck will wanna just con $600 out of you. .

It was too convincing initially. . the person sounded firm and there was even prove from the website. . they had also specially chosen a name that many of us find it familiar. . cathay pacific tour agency. . rings a bell. .?

Not until the verge of remittance when the truth came to light. . a lady was stuck in similar scam earlier, remitting $3600 to the same person. . as the person over at the money remittance center warned. .
police was there and investigating the issue. .

So again. . . be careful when encountering such incident when the deal sounds too good to be true. .

2008-02-21T18:53:00.002+08:00

You can sense that im really reluctant to leave. . and really. . im very keen to be staying. .
Today is the third day, the last day that im gonna be reliefing mrs carmen tan. . lessons ended pretty early, 11.30am was my last, as one of the form teacher actually offered to take over the relief for supposedly my next class, 3e2. .

I slowly packed the things, got all the materials and things done so far sorted out on her table. . it was only right to do. . because even if i stay, definitely i won't be reliefing her again. . and deep in my mind, i hoping that someone do ask me to come again tomorrow for relief, any kind. .
So, as i got all things done, i approached mrs sundram, i asked her how is the relief teaching things going. . it wasnt any good new. . she said that they are still getting certain things sorted out, especially the paying issue, although the principal had verbally approved. . this itself was ok, but she said that even when everything is approved, it will only start in term 2, and that will be somewhere in 17 or 18 of march. .
Can i wait that long. . even if i can, i don't think i will wait. . i cant be prepared to sit without an income till then, it will be too taxing on my bank account and all my plans for holidays, laptop will be put on hold. .
The next thing that she told me was the job, when offered, is basically acting as teacher aides for the secondary 4 express and 5 normal academics. . we will actually be helping those weaker students prepare for their O levels. .
i will see it as a challenge then, and in a way im quite worried about my ability to handle them. .

I've been a pretty nice guy so far. . i dont scold them, i close an eye on a lot of things during class. . they can change to PE tee, tuck out their shirt, do other works for all they like, i simply close one eye. . as long as the they don't get too out of control, as in the noise level gets too overbearing and affect other classes, i don't interfere generally. .
There's no point in going to clashes with the students. . especially when i just gonna be reliefing for a few days, you don't know them, you don't have the experience of handling them, you most likely screwed up than getting the issue fixed. .

So anyway, im more keen to interact and make friends with the kids than giving a black face and pissing them off. . there are some classes where i can go in there and mingle with them, and some classes where i go in, i walked around and around, waiting for them to get settled down so i can start. . students can read message from a teacher's face and actions. . there's one class today. 4e5, i was quite appalled that the monitor actually did got the class to settle down somehow or rather. .

What i discovered about bowenians after these 3 days. . The impression for the e5 and e6 classes is that some of them are quite talented. . i see them doing their drawings for arts and i can see that. . they may not be a keen learner for other subjects but when it comes to arts, they could really do it quite well. .
For the e1 and e2 classes. . as usual, some hardworking lots, mostly the girls though. . then a few intelligent ones, mostly the guys though. . typical of any top classes in any neighbourhood schools. .
but one thing. . bowenians generally give me an impressions that they are still childish and naive. . I won't talk about the lower sec since all the classes i've been are upper secondary. . i talked to a few of them, most of them in e5 and e6, i asked them whether they like social studies or not, they all said no. . then i asked them o level how, they told me they don't care if it flunged, one guy even said he will just score full marks for his geography. .
I can just conclude that many of them do not have a picture of the future in their mind, they don't see the consequences of failing their o levels. . and that maybe why the school cant really do well. .
of course, in every case there are exceptions. . i went to 4e1 yesterday and a few were talking to me about junior college and even universities. . a few good signs. .

alright. . i wished to go back soon. . but if times do not permit, then i have to seek other options. .

teaching is not about money. . is about the passion to do well, to see the student you taught doing well, to see that he/she respect you as a teacher. . that is a success. .

it's not an easy job definitely. . because teaching is not only about teaching, you needa get the fundamental of getting the students to sit down and listen to you, you needa pay attention to every single one in the class, you needa know how to deal with delinquent students. .

i guess i've know that my greatest weakness now lies with my pronunciation and articulation of english. . As the chinese saying goes. . Pi Duan Yang Chang. . Do what you are best at and tried to hide your weaknesses. . Better stick to maths and science subject where there's no need for so much reading and lecturing to be involved. .

2008-02-19T20:27:00.003+08:00

Stumbled and fumbled and then mumbled. .

I couldn't recall too well whether this did happen, must definitely for the first lesson, i was extremely nervous. .

perhaps at a certain point of time i did committed such disgraces. . but it was perhaps that i managed to get a grip of myself eventually. .
I could understand the pain of my teachers right now. . Command and control in a class is never as easy as it seems. . especially if you come across naughty students like you and i once were. . .
i must be staring at pictures of the past, on how playful we were and how the teachers tried in vain to get things done for us when i was in the classroom. .

I went into my first lesson, and did the simplest of all things. . If you do not have a clue, don't try to punk with them. .
I got them to fill up some worksheets, go through some answers and that's it. . I let them attend the washroom as they like and even managed to accede to their request for an early release for recess. . Relax style. . that's when you still have no clue on how to deal with them. .
my second lesson of the day is 3e1. . A class. . so i try to punk a bit. . besides getting them to fill up worksheet, somehow i came up with a Q and A session. . It was kinda weird initially, well i never conduct one before, they are my guinea pigs. . maybe in the end it's kinda better. .
For these two lessons, i opted for a lower risk approach by adopting a more relax style kinda way to go about dealing with them, that's at the expense of time. . where i didnt manage to get all the work that im assigned to ask them to do done. .

The last lesson that i reliefed. . it's a physics lesson for one of the teacher. . They gave me a first in my teaching experience. . Someone actually tried to throw a paper ball while i was writing things on the board. .
Turned around extremely pissed, i demanded to know who was the culprit. . that guy admitted. . but at least he don't seem like he was meant to provoke me. . so i just let the matter past. .
i've been nice as usual. . i didnt demand good discipline, they can change to PE tee, pull up their pant, eat sweets for all they like in the class, i didnt pick all these. .
students don't appreciate you for being nice i just discovered. .

just wait till i find out how to deal with them. .

i havent eaten anything for the entire day in the school at all. . i've got no time. . administration stuffs to settle, rushed back home and to school again just to collect the certificates for them. . it's amazing how you can forget hunger when your busy. .
well. . it's passion. .
it's great to be back. . and being back as an entirely different feeling from as a student. .

another day, another experience.

2008-02-18T19:38:00.002+08:00

I've got a nice black hair right now. . want to see. . ?

Tomorrow. . i really do not know what's gonna happen. . im so afraid that screw up. .

It's gonna be my first time doing relief teaching. . ms loh called me just now, asking whether if i can take over mrs carmen tan for english and combined humanities for the next 3 days. . because irfan is downed with a chicken pox. .

Im really excited. . yet im worried. . should i screw up, i guess they wouldnt consider me joining them back for science and maths. . I MUST DO IT. .
My english got a c6 for 'o' levels, that itself hasnt gave me any confident in teaching the subject. .
nevertheless, i doubt i will needa go into any teaching, just needa command and control i guess. . sounds easy. . i have got experience that it will be a hell lots difficult task to do it. .

anyway. . TRY TRY TRY. . i hope i can do it. .

2008-02-17T17:42:00.003+08:00

Im so look forward to it. . so excited. . i wanna do relief teaching. . !!

We met out with Ms loh just couple of moments ago, had lotsa catching up with her. . One thing why i would gladly turn up whenever there's any meeting with her is that she still remembers me, a student of hers used to be. . i guess few teachers have the kinda good memories like she has, remembering every single one in our class, even though it has been like. . 4 years?

Im especially grateful of course, im like no more than a fringe student in the class, neither especially outstanding nor especially prominent. . it was definitely not easy task given the no. of students she will have over the years. .

Anyway, it was some good catching up moments. . We talked about the good old secondary days, where we were still pretty havoc bunch of people. . not me exactly but the whole class definitely. . may be we are even part of the bowen history book, for being one of the most mischievious A class. .

And we spoke to her about the possibilities of some of us doing relief teachings in school. . She actually agreed to help us with the applications and in fact, they are do encouraging ex-student to go back to help out. .
Great news, i can help waiting for me to step back into the school again. . i've even went online to check out my moe relief teaching application status. . it's been approved. .!!

so so. . mr chen. . hopefully be able to cling the position soon. . !!

2008-02-16T04:07:00.003+08:00

I've lost for the second consecutive day in mahjong. . pretty unlucky huh. . or maybe, i'm still quite a novice in this game. .

haiz. . out of a job, still losing money in mahjong. . pathetic. .

still in a desperate search for a job that pay me more than 6.5 an hour, give me 5 days week and non call center environment. . im pretty pissed because aloysius went out of starhub the same day as me but had already landed a job that pays him 7.5 an hour. .
seems that not only have i no luck in mahjong, no luck in my job search too. .
that recruit express offer still cling tightly in my mind, i cant make up my mind. . on one hand im really want to take up the job, as i see the available options that i have running out. . on the other hand i wanted to wait for something that pays me more. .

i could see why am i having some problem in getting a well salaried job. . in recruit express itself i saw it. . so many guys from my battalion there. . i don't know them but their faces are unmistakable. . men of the 42 SAR. . with so many of us filling the streets, it's no wander that you need luck to get one. .

anyway. . occasionally i do have the thoughts that i can just relax and slack first. . but for most of the time i can say that i cant convince myself in the mind to enjoy slacking without worrying about my bank balance. . i realised i still have lotsa things to buy and to pay for. . no income. . how can. . at this stage i wouldnt be able to revert to the poor student life anymore. .

arghh. . i really craze for some soccer. . why is it everytime when im free and most looking forward to play that they say they cant make it. . damn. .
im really weak right now. . without exercising for so long, im even too lazy to go for a run during these few slack days. .

the surf and sweat results are out. . better not to know. . it's agonising that they had compiled a list of the ranking of all the participants. . im not the last. . but among the friends who went, im the last. .
IPPT gold, 2.4km 9.10minutes. . please don't laugh when i reveal these here. .

Give me time, i will get my gold back. . !!

new year resolution no.1 - IPPT GOLD ..

2008-02-12T20:36:00.000+08:00

So. .

out of a job now. . i need a job. . .

im just not used to idling around. . plan to start work as early as next monday if i can find a job. .

i went to recruit express for an interview earlier in the afternoon. . mathew, the pioneer specialist was there. . working as one of the consultant. .
i was offered a position there, as one of them, as his colleague. . i was tempted to accept. .
the job scope. . matching job, sending resume, arranging interviews. . daily quota of at least 2 successful job match. . i could sense it's a stressful environment. . and they are paying like $6 per hour, from 8.30am to 6pm. .
the worst part was that wanted me the cut my hair short and dye my hair black. . .
and once i joined, im expected to stay till university start, if not early termination charge applies. .

im hesitant to accept then. . not prepared to make the same kinda mistake as last time. . called my sis and seeked her opinion, her answer is a no to the offer. .

i guess i don't have to think anymore, the only worry i have is the inability to find a job in time for monday. .

so anybody any job to recommend. . tuition, admin or anything. . .

2008-02-12T20:09:00.001+08:00

Ended my last day of work in starhub. . . 11 feb. . .

I should be delighted. . because i know now that i will have back my weekends. . but did i know that im out of a job, out of an income right now. .

Come to think of it, i wouldnt have mind staying on if wasnt that i have to commit myself to rotating shift and have my weekends burned. . at least for this i have already learned the trade and would not have to go through the hussle of learning everything all over again in a new environment. .

but anyway. . it's officially history. .
back to reflect on what i have learned through it. .

Let me just start by stating that im especially grateful for the two team leader i've been under. . mathew and alvin. . both of them have been really nice and patient towards me, i guess my life would have been more miserable if it wasnt them who is in charge. .
then there some nice people i came to meet as my colleagues. . hafiz being the one who came to sat beside me, talked lotsa cock together and it made work a lot better. . not forgetting audrey, wei yen, kenneth and terence in the team as well as the likes of other like vanessa, li juan, aloysius, swee kuan who left the job together with me. .

i remembered the first few weeks of taking up calls. . graduated from a crash course that taught me nothing at all. . i was like putting customers on hold every once in a while and walking down the aisle to seek help from mathew. . i learned them the hard way, getting scolded by customers was a norm. . making screw ups here and there and then criticised by colleagues for the mistakes. .
It became better slightly towards the middle of the 3 months contract. . but as you became better, you picked up more calls and you became more subjected to disputes, and calls from abusive customers. . one call like this your day became a hell lot worse. .

i guess even though it has been some not that pleasant experience, i do feel that i have do pick up something. . im just unable to describe but it do change me in a way as a person. .

my first full time job. . end 11 feb 2008. .
anticipating the next one. .

2008-02-03T13:09:00.000+08:00

I had just came back from surf and sweat. . . Damn tired. .

Woke up in early in the morning, had the thought of just don't go for the thing, i just wished to have more sleep on this sunday morning. .
but well, somehow or rather. . i managed to pull myself out of the comfortable bed and make all the way to sentosa for this event. .

it was my first time riding to sentosa, and i was really having some difficulties finding my way there. . but somehow or rather again, i managed to get there. . outside the entrance. . it was already about 7.40am then, and i thought i was gonna be late. .
what happened next was, the person at the counter said bike won't allow to go in. . discrimination. . anyway, i realised i got no other option but to make a u turn and head towards harbourfront, got my bike park there and take a bus in. . i thought im doomed, for the stated reporting time was 7.48am for my event. .
as i queued up to board the bus, i suddenly found out that i had to purchase a ticket first. . i got out of the queue, quickly bought the ticket and join back at the back of the queue, i thought i will have miss out the bus. . somehow i was allowed to squeeze in as the last guy. .
finally reached the destination, i was having to make a quick walk from the bus station to the event. . quick walk but it was a long distant. .
at last, i did reach the place and guess what, it was just in time for all the registration and briefing just before the event kicks off. .

and so. . how it went. . i had discovered i have a forte at surfing. . i came up first. . and then running. . perhaps im getting old, totally cant make it at all. . damn slow, i wouldnt dare to look at the timing. . surely below average. . that's the result of what you become after ord, when you do not have the time and energy to keep the fitness up. .

alright. . regarding yesterday. . i really felt sorry tbat i didnt turn up for pow's farewell's party. . not that i didnt want to go, was trying hard to make it. . just that well, was held up by the volunteer thing earlier in the evening where i could only managed to leave after 8 plus. . they had some debriefing session for the camp we had and esther told me that im required to stay. . no choice. . took a cab down after that and only reached on around 9pm even so. . by the time i was about to leave it was already 10pm and i supposed by the time i go down, everybody would have left. .
anyway, hope to have a meeting together with our odac guys for a drink or two before 17. . it will be on me. . 1 bottle. . okie. .

it was pretty much a hectic saturday. . not that i wouldnt need to work, but that i had called up to tell them that im on 'mc'. . in actual fact i didnt get anything. . i cant be bothered about it already. . just a couple more days to my last day of work, and im really determined to get this day off also after 2 consecutive weeks of working schedule. . no leave for temp, so i claim my own 'medical leave'. .

i was expecting myself to turn up for all three events i had for the day. . namely, the hips volunteer programme, angela's birthday and pow's farewell party. .
time constraint came in as the events didnt go as i had expected. .

in any case, at least i managed to turn up at angela's birthday. .
me, liyun and kelvin goh were there. . oh and not forgetting liyun's good friend, dennis. . thanks to him we managed to hitch a ride back to hougang on a van. .
angela was pretty gorgeous for the night. . birthday girls always look exceptionally pretty on their night. . so anyway, we have got some photographs taken, hopefully if i think they are nice then i may consider posting them here. .
anyway anyway. . appreciate her invitation, hope she has had a wonderful night. . happy birthday to her. . now she joins my rank of 21. .

2008-01-26T20:09:00.000+08:00

I will have been extremely polite not to throw in any vulgarities into the conversation. . i would love to. . and it was truly uncomfortable in my heart that ive not been able to. .

i am more than willing to give my name to him. . and i would be more than happy than that he go and complain. . i did nothing wrong, i played my part and he's not satisfied, there's nothing i can complain. . .
sorry uncle, you messed with the wrong guy. . im leaving soon and i've got no fear of whatever shit complain you gonna put in. .

what kinda customer is that. .?

he called in, enquiring on changing his box from analog to digital. . i've told him to go our cscs, which were located in town areas and one at tm, but this fella live in the north, asked me if he can change in the partner stalls stated in the letter. . i said they may not have the stocks, and actually asked me to call and check up with the stalls for him. . i wasnt supposed to and replied that i can only give him the no., he have to check himself. .
bastard. . he suddenly threw into a fit of anger and said what kinda stupid service im providing and insisted i check it out for him. .
i kinda relented at first, made a call to the partner stall at causeway point and was told they wasnt stock. .
i returned the call and explained the finding, not even a word of thank you, he blamed me for unable to enquire on when the stock will be coming in and even demanded for me to call again and get him back. .
im determined not to get bullied by him this time round. . anyway i don't have to. . he wanted to play rough, i will see who's tougher. . i make it known to him that it is not part of my job and listen to see what he intend to do. . as expected, he just go round and round scolding, saying what kinda stupid service im providing. . and wanted to speak to my manager. .
i wasnt too stupid after all. . i told him to give me his name and ic so that i can make the arrangement. . hilariously, he didnt want to. . he said who am i to ask him for his ic. . i said i need to retrieve the account for him in order to make the arrangement. . he didnt take it, he said he had left his name and contact no, but i told that wasnt enough. .
we played patient this time, i insisted on my request for his ic and let him scold as much as he want. .
finally, he asked for my name. . i gladly told him. . i even told him that if he want to complain he can go ahead, i cant stop him, but ive did my job. . he hanged up, he told me to wait for his complain letter. .

i will wait. . better reach me before i leave. . better if i know who the hell he is. . creep. .

other people don't make noise about changing the box only him. . and i seriously hate those people who give those kinda pissed off tone when they are actually asking people to do things for them. .

with this case, and another few i've earlier on. . it's definitely a hell of a day. . these customers simply disgusting. . yucks!

2008-01-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

My first resignation letter. . . pending tendering. .

24 Jan 2008

Name: Keith Chen Zhicai
Department: Starhub Cable Billing
Title: Customer Care Consultant
Subject: Resignation

Dear Sir/Mdm,

I would like to officially resign from my current position after my 3 months contract ends on 11/2/2008. I have been looking for a change of environment in order to gain more experience in this limited time I have before going back to my studies.

My last day of work will be on 11/2/2008, please advice if there is any arrangement needed to hand over my duties.

The experience that I have in the company has been very rewarding, especially to be under the charge of two competent team leaders that I’m with, Alvin and Mathew. It’s my great pleasure to be working with them and I wish them and the company all the best in the future endeavors.

Regards
Keith Chen

2008-01-24T16:11:00.000+08:00

3.15pm.
I rode down the street of hougang avenue 8. It was an unusual course of route i would take to go back home normally, preferably exiting cte via ang mo kio avenue 5 and get home via the ang mo kio industrial route. . I was up to something different today, since i've an little more time today. .

Halfway past afternoon, it was quite a hot hour for students returning home from school. .
The street was one where my secondary and primary school is located. .
and there, as i rode past, capturing the scene of students roaming up and down the street, i could suddenly feel one thing on my mind. . that im getting old. .

the scenes of walking down the block of flats for lunch with kingsley, chee yong and aik wei after school. . was like only yesterday. .

i took a second to stare back into the scene of the past as i stop on the traffic junction, and quickly came back to the reality as the light turns green. .
i took a quick look at myself, in a ragged white giordano polo tee and jeans. . what am i consider now. . a working adult. .?

It's pretty ridiculous actually. .

Back then, i thought of how great it is to grow up. . earn some money, get the things i want, life will be happy this way. . well, with the pocket money im having then, it was hardly enough for a 'luxurious' life im looking for. .

now, it's more like i look back and the past seems happier. . we have fun, joy and laughters in school. . working life sucks. . especially with this present situation where im not making too many friends. . it's hard, the job itself just sometimes requires too much of my energy that i hardly find the strength to do anything else. .

alright. . im quitting. . will be getting my resignation processed and tendered. . 11 feb, that's the last day of the contract and that's the last day i will be in the job. .

so anyway. . im back home kinda earlier than usual. . it was supposed to be my off day. . and there to work for 6 hours OT just to fulfil another combo. . the last one if nothing goes wrong. .
im drenched of my energy. . really tired. .

alright. . people can start recommending job right now. . im looking for a chill one. . no more burn of weekend. . ! needa break. . .

2008-01-19T20:01:00.000+08:00

finally. . got a day off. . it seems so short. .

i returned home yesterday night. . feeling really tired. . with a minor headache knocking over my head. . as usual. . over some horrible cases that i had to handle. . shall not go into further elaboration, it will only freak me out more on the job. .

what i did today so far. .

- in the morning i went for court soccer. . it has been really some time since i last played. . with my kinda rusty skills, i went into the games, made a mess out of them, came out feeling totally displeased with my performances but have to force myself to swallow all these because i have to rush to attend my volunteer activities. .

- took a cab down to national library. . the traffic was horrendous. . i would be much happier that im riding a bike seeing those kinda situation. . was held in the jam for more than 1/2 of the journey. . my bike would have easily cut through the traffic and reach the destination 15 minutes earlier. .
anyway. . they have some outing to national library. . had started at 9.30am and because i cant part with my soccer game so i told them that i will join them late. .
by the time i reached they were more or less done and im more like going to meet up the kids for lunch. . but they were good companies of course. .

- it ended around 3pm and im back at home to slack. . expecting a message from my buddies to ask me out for a drink. . till now there wasnt any news. . i guess i will be spending the rest of the day watching television and playing games. .
and well, i managed to catch this old channel 8 drama just now. . jia ren you yue. . pretty long ago. . i thought this is one of the best local drama i've watched in my life. . it's damn touching show. . and im purely fortunate to catch the last two episode. . the most touching parts of the drama. .

after today. . it will be another two week for another off day like this again. . will chiong work again. . 11 feb will be soon. . i must endure to earn enough before that. .
but. . i cant help sighing. . it's damn sian. .

2008-01-15T22:55:00.000+08:00

i've got a headache midway through my work. . horrible people. . do you know that im cursing and swearing at you in my heart. .

i've received enough disputes these few days and i don't know why, im getting quite fed up with all these. .

some people are obviously not doing their job some where and we, on the frontline of customer service hotline are basically getting all the shit because of them. . that was why i said this job is not for the long term. . at least not for me. . i've got enough from customers, from the screwed up system from the company. .

how many times have i thought of blowing up and throw the four letter words on them. . countless. . how many times have customers screwed me out of things that were not caused by me. . countless. . how many times have i needa pretend to be a bloody retard, enduring whatever nonsense customers are giving. .

today i've got one case, that extremely pissed me off. . all the while that i thought she's nice, that she appreciated all the help i've given to her. . i even use my own mobile to call up another department to check for the details she needs. . and what the hell. . when i gave her a call back with the informations ive got, she actually gave me a piece of her mind. . she claim that i wasn't able to provide her with any help at all, and made it sounded like im the cause of everything, that i havent been helpful towards her from the start. . what worse was that she request for my superior, some one who can make decision to speak to her. .
ingrateful woman. . all the while i've been doing things nicely for her. . if she wants to blame then should blame on her own stupidity to sign up with the sub contractor. .
fair enough that she don't appreciate what i've done for her so far, she's making things more difficult for me by requesting for my superior to speak to her. . given the workload that mathew is having, and the uninterested attitude the rest of the tls are giving, i forsee this arrangement is gonna give me more problem. .

but whatever the case, im just gonna heck this case for as long as i can. . she can go ahead and complain me if she wants. . i hate the tone she has given, that obviously that ive tried to help her in one way or another, she only knows how blame me for not able to solve the problem. .

damn sian. .
there just some creeps out there who can just call up and make your day turn bad. . in this line, one day you will not see only one, but tons of them when it is really a bad day. .

sorry about that. . a bad day at work. . i just feel like destressing. .

2008-01-14T00:08:00.000+08:00

finally the end of the week. . .

intended to take an mc on saturday. . . but the struck the plan off my mind at the last minute. . i found that if i do so, all the OTs that i've done for the week will go down to drain. .
so that's how i go, enduring till now, with that discomfort on my throat. .
im feeling better right now of course, but is still preventing myself from taking sweet and fried stuffs. . sometimes the temptation too hard to bear, and i will just heck care and consume them. .

working is as sian as usual. . and i do appear really sian sometimes at work. . so i guess pretty much of the time im a turn off to a lot people. . i forsee i still have a long way to learn in improving my inter-personal skill, as i can see that i aint making too many friends with the kinda attitude im giving, as well as the kinda screw ups im making. .
but through this job i realised another thing. . that our working environment is a lot like what was depicted in the movie, just follow law, where they tried to shoot arrows to one another. .

caught in the rain while on journey back after work for these two consecutive days. . not sure whether it was pure unlucky or what. . riding in the rain wasnt anything fun. . it feels like winter when the cold rain dropped onto your skin, sending shivers through the spine. . i was like shivering throughout the entire journey. . the windbreaker i was wearing didn't seem to be able to break the wind at all, virtually didnt help in keeping me anywhere warmer. . . or perhaps, the cold was too intense. .

stop here. . needa sleep badly. .

2008-01-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

there are some reasons why i don't like this job. .

it sometimes reflect very lowly on yourself when you have to put on a brave front and accept whatever nonsense customer gives. .
it's sometimes pretty agonising when you feel like throwing out all the four letter words inside your heart but have to control it because the person over the phone can break your rice bowl. .

two disputes i handle towards the end of the day can make it real bad. .
coincidentally, both are smart asses, or maybe just 'smart asses' sound alike. .

the first. . an encounter with a doctor. . he first question he had for me, has the mol premium been 12mbps all the way. . i thought it was a yes answer, since they werent any update of an upgrade that i have known of. .
of course i did found out later that it wasnt. . but too late, this fella simply don't give you any chance to take back your words. .
every opportunity he will take that to penalise on the words i had said and of course, to backup his request for us to compensate him whatsoever. .
what kinda stingy doctor is this. .
but anyway, i have to admit he is too smart for me. . he's a damn crafty fella who will capitalise on every little mistake you made to his own advantage, im not senior enough to deal with such creep. .
i wouldnt needa give a damn to whatever he's gonna do, complain so whatsoever, this is not like gonna be my career. .

incident number 2. . he's a nicer fella. . but i stand it when he dispute over the adjustment that i had made for him. . he claims that i have adjusted the sum back to him wrongly. .
what's worse was that he implied that i cant deal with calculations. . i seriously got the urge to tell him that i got an A for A level math. .
it's more like he's the one who cant do calculations. . all the while i've tried explaining to him and he was rebuking me all the way. . and whatever he was meaning, i don't get a point at all. . insisting that he is right and i am wrong. .
whatever. . he is the customer, i got no way to win this argument. . i guess he must be thinking im some bloody btc over the line, and he made it all sounds so nice when he said he want to educate me regarding this matter. .

horrible day. . i still got a rejected jv giving me a big headache. . $9 per hour. . not so easy to earn. . !

my throat still isnt getting anywhere better. . think will needa consult a doctor if still persist tomorrow. . i've got it planned. . consult a doctor, get an mc for saturday and i can play soccer and see my kids. . wouldnt it be nice. . ?

2008-01-09T23:32:00.000+08:00

Feeling tired, depressed or devastated. .? what about some laugh. .

hey guys i can tell you the previous incident was really intentional. . im not gonna change the typo or whatsoever you gonna call it. . it's INTENTIONAL!! well. . don't you think it's just funny. .? im not laughing at it though. .

you know somehow or rather i just remembered it as anita sui. . perhaps it's because it's kinda sounds alike or spelled alike to anita mui. .
but ridiculous. . i purchased the perfume without knowing what the hell it's called. .
hope till this point no one know im eating my words. .

alright we can have another laugh. .

isnt that just so adorable. .? i chose it. .! chee yong wanted doraemon, she thinks zinc has a big mouth. . im not so mean. . i thought zinc will like hello kitty. . anyway most girls like hello kitty, i remember liyun like hello kitty too? of course there are people who are exception, i remember ellyn likes doraemon. .?
alright im drifting away from the subject. . and well, i too managed to come out with another reason to convince how come i chose the kitty. .
realised that kitty has no mouth. . zinc can well be like the kitty, no mouth rather than a mouth as big as doraemon. . this world we will feel more peaceful. .
okie. . you know im just kidding. .

jokes over. . im blogging all these down with a lot of discomfort in my throat. . im kinda sick. . i feel it. . those kinda sickly feeling. . not sure whether if i really have a fever or what, but definitely not feeling too good. . i took 2 panadol and went to sleep yesterday night, it didn't seem to get any better this morning. . i spewed out some phlegm, and to my horror, one was red. . !
nevertheless, i still went to work as usual. .
but if the day didn't go bad enough. . i was late for work. . that damned bike giving
me problems. . couldn't start as i havent ride for two days and the engine was cold. . had to get my brother down to help me with a manual start. .

when it was finally done. . i rushed down to work. . and i could feel that i've been a really hell rider today. . even when riding back at home. . cutting through the traffic like a stuntman on those action pact movies. .
had sorta got the kick to do this. . i've got the guts after doing it once. .

so. . i've endured through this tiring day on work. . i can say i don't feel well every second i was on the phone today. . talking with this kinda throat condition isnt comfortable at all. . but. . still endurable. . for money sake. .
i will know to take care of my health too. . drinking like plenty of water now. . hope it helps. . i ate an apple too. . hope it helps to keep the doctor away. . !

2008-01-08T21:57:00.001+08:00

here it goes. .

spring cleaning. . ? no. . ! this is in response to liyun's one. . ! taken from my pathetic 2.0 megapixel sony ericisson phone. . quality doesnt matter. . evidence more crucial. .
green house all the way. . haha. . .
im kinda fated to be in green house. . green house in xps. . kipling in bowen. . pegasus in srjc. . all green. .!! green's my lucky colour. . but not my favourite. .
i love black. . and white. . . the combination of these two. . but not gray. .

alright. . zinc's birthday is today. . !!
met her up with chee yong just now. . had a half fulfilling dinner in swenson. . . i called it junk food. .
anyway. . we bought her a hello kitty cake. .! should have got a photo of that placed here. . it's damn funny. . the cake shop assistant was like giggling all the way when we made the purchase. . they must be thinking, what the heck two grown up fella getting such a gay cake. . anyway. . we ran out of choices, there simply wasnt any other shop there that offers cake of that kinda size - small yet not too small. .
anyway. . hello kitty is cute isnt it. . i thought zinc will like it, good for some laugh if not. .
okie. . . had got a perfume for her. . i realised yesterday how difficult was it to choose a good present for the opposite sex. . choosing a perfume itself i took about 30 minutes to make the choice. . i wasnt even intend to buy a perfume at the first place. . too bad i didnt have the time nor the right person to accompany me for the job. .
nevertheless. . an anita sui perfume. . the shop assistant recommended to me. . i thought the design of the bottle itself look kinda orbiang. . (old fashion). . the smell itself was acceptable. . but the sales girl told me girl generally wouldnt think that way. .
well. . i have every reason to trust her words. . i do understand for now girls and guys see things differently. . so well. . i took her words and bought it. .

okie. . one more person had joined me for 21st. . r21 here we go. . ? haha. .!

2008-01-07T22:52:00.000+08:00

I want to. . i want to play soccer on saturday. . i want to go for volunteer work and see my bunch of kids on saturday. . i wanna organise activities for them. . i wanna give tuition to my students. .
i do miss life in ns. . not the weekdays. . but weekends i got to do these things. . not like now. .

I got my payslip just now. . and i felt like screaming when i saw it. . what the heck. . 400 over bucks deducted for cpf. . ridiculously funny. . slogged so hard for money and ended up getting deducted so much for money you cant even feel or touch now. .
The pay wasn't up to my expectation. . im kinda greedy, i thought i could have got more with the kinda hours i was working last month. .
Looks like i gonna have to work harder so that i can get a heavier payroll next month. . Chiong. . !! Last month to go, after that won't be easy to find such good money again. .

Money's good. . but the work is shit. . i know a lot of people will stare with envy with this kinda money im getting. . but be rational and think of it, where got such good deal in this world where they give you easy job and good pay. . if the job really so good then won't have people who rather pay the compensation of $1000 than to finish their 3 or 6months contract. .
i will give a detail conclusion of the job once i've finished my last day there. .

2008-01-03T23:16:00.001+08:00

Today, 3 Jan 2008. . . Im 21. . My birthday. .

No more celebration. . for well. . i have spent 8.5 hours working. . 1 hour on lunch. 2 hours on travelling. . 10 hours on sleep. . left with 3.5 hours. . im using about 0.5 hour to blog this. . 3 hours more. . spent on shower, dinner, breakfast and dazing. .
That's how i spent my birthday. .

Back to work after the chalet, the feeling. . pretty horrendous. . sianz. . money money money. . how i wish im rich. . the thought of having to survive this entire week without any more break. . demoralising. .

Photographs out from liyun and wan teng. . not gonna post any here. . don't look really nice i thought. . better not stain this blog with my ugly photos. .
so well, don't blame me for no pictures. . it will look nicer this way. .

anyway anyway. . this 21st birthday. . a happy one. . thanks everyone who had sent me their birthday greeting. . appreciate them. .

2008-01-01T19:06:00.000+08:00

Im quite deprived of sleep right now. . really sleepy, i could just close my eyes and fall right into dream anytime. . nevertheless, i just wanna blog this down. .

How should i go about starting. . .

Seriously do not know how to go about putting down everything in words. . happiness to me just isnt something that can easily be described with words. .

Date : 31 Dec 07
Time : 7pm - 10pm
Venue : Downtown East Costa Sand, Room C1323.
Event : 21st Birthday Celebration

Remarks:

I wanna say that im really happy today. . with the presence of everyone. . im not sure whether if i have played well as a host to make this an enjoyable. . but one thing was for sure, you guys were definitely awesome groups of people. .
I've got so many people to thank for making this event a possible one. .

first of all is of course my group of buddies. . sen rong, willy, wei kian, roy, jia liang and zhen wei. . they had played a key role in organising this little celebration for them. . without them, everything would not have been in place. .

then, my class, 2s13. . i guess they are the group where i have had to least worry of not being entertained. . because we just have some remarkable people in there like zixiang who will always help me do the job. . you people are truly terrific, your cheers and laughters had always been something i have missed since graduated from jc. .

ziying, cheeyong, valerie, wan teng and her boyfriend. . i guess i don't have to mention much about them. . they simply behave as normal. . haha!! in case they scold me, i have to explain further what i meant by that. . wan teng and zinc as pretty as ever, cheeyong as macho as ever, valerie as cute as ever. . only one thing is that zinc kept suaning me through the event, made me so embarrassed sometimes. . im getting angry soon. . haha!
it's always great fun with them. . vale might want to consider joining us for k box gathering, where you see girls turning the room outside down with their 'beautiful screams'. .

my odac peeps. . a great dismay that our big boss, pei yun didn't join us. . but luckily, there is still our vp Jerry, AO Zhiming, fellow logistic IC lta Pow, treasurer sally, all time enthusiast Jia Guang with us. . they shocked me with a mini hi-fi cd player. . but it is certainly one of the best present i've received in my life. . really look forward to catch up with them. . surf and sweat 2008, we will see you there. .

spike platoon. . jerome, joey, see yong and yu ngai. . wanted all the drivers to come actually, i remembered the shit we went through with all the servicings. . too bad, attendance itself wasnt too good. . i have to apologise that i havent managed to keep them too well entertained, perhaps i should have invited more from platoon. . anyway, see yong and yu ngai have been really steady to stay till the cake cutting was over. . jerome and joey kind enough to still come over at the mist of their busy timetable. .

clement, chun ji, chuan ming and yanjia. . they have been really nice to have turn up. . clement rush down here after booking out from ocs, chun ji actually squeeze time off to turn up before sending her mum to the airport. . and chuan ming and yanjia came all the way from their sentosa chalet to join us. . my great saturday court soccer mates and odac secretary, thanks for all these. .

End.
PS. special to mention liyun for being the camera woman of the day. . thanks!!

2007-12-30T00:49:00.000+08:00

Good times never seemed long enough. . i just cant get enough. . .
A good meet up, i can tell you after going through so much in these two years or more, jc years is still the best. . i miss those moments, seriously, back then it was so much fun isn't it. .

Sometime when you turn back and look at the past, you smiled. . for the good things and the bad ones. . You saw those beautiful moments which left you with so much joy and laughters and you would also see how foolish your actions sometimes will be. .

Im kinda tired so wont go too long. . A picture gonna speak a thousand word. . i will wait for the photos to be sent to me then i shall post some nice ones here. .

Alright, zinc was actually celebrating her birthday today. . . a pity that i couldnt stay long enough for the cake cutting. . well i will compensate i promise. . anyway it's still like more than 8days away. . no hurry, we got plenty of time to celebrate again. .

finally can get a break from word. . been working everyday this entire week. . slogged so hard and cant see the money yet. . it may not turn out to be that much either. .
i just spent 200 over dollars on clothes yesterday. . another rare spending spree. . i need a change of image do i? tired of my current ragged outfits. . but changing cost money. . if i can i will be changing a new wardrobe. .

31st gonna be a special night. . i hope it turns out well. . may not have that much time to get it prepared. . pray for the best. .

2007-12-21T22:24:00.000+08:00

Went to zouk with wai gang, sigmund and kelvin yesterday night. . terrific night i had. . enjoyed myself. .
i guess i never like clubbing. . always got this thought that i cant dance and i don't like to dance. . always been telling myself that i prefer somewhere quiet just to have a drink and talk cock with friends. .

however, thing can just change overnight. . suddenly clubbing became a new fun thing to me. . it's fun, seriously. .
if not for the high cost, i will definitely get people to go often with me. . i spent close to a hundred buck just purely on one night. . drinks, cab fares etc. .

it happened to be SIM uni night yesterday. . coincidentally we actually saw quite a number of srjcians down there. . whether those we know or don't know, those of the same age or older. .
the moment we stepped to the entrance and the first person came to our eyes. . bernice. . she was there, part of the organising committee i supposed. . not forgetting that she was once wai gang's crush. . i managed to get waigang to take pictures with her. . of course i do took one with her too, and the three of us took one together. . just to save the awkwardness. . i had even wanted to get wai gang to dance with her, but well, didn't manage to find her in the dancefloor eventually. .
kinda crazy for me, but i felt tipsy pretty soon after a couple of drinks. .
anyway, relax and enjoy. . it's good feeling to be in the dancefloor once you have a drink or two. .
it was quite a good way to splash cash. . we have got at least 6 graveyards. . awful drink but you get high pretty soon after having that. . 2 flamy lambos, 2 gin tonic and then some other funny drinks which kelvin and sigmund actually ordered. .

i shouldn't forget to mention that i was there immediately after work. . got my bag along and actually found that wasn't any more space at the bag deposit. . simply just dumped it at a remote area at the hotel outside and retrieved it back after the party. .
and i realised then i wasnt the only one who chionged after work. . cindy was there too, to my amaze. .
i continue to be amazed when i saw jocelyn, in the dancefloor. .
this night was to be super happening as familar faces popped out one after another. . even till i was leaving i saw my primary school classmate, william outside. .

a tiring day at work finally over now. . carried my weary body with insufficient sleep back to the office for a full day of work. .
but it was damn fun. . look forward once more. .

2007-12-18T09:13:00.000+08:00

Don't say no picture. . don't say never update. . here you got one. .

I took kinda long to blog this happy day that i had spent with this bunch of kids. .
I smile when i thought of them. . they were simply awesomely loving, cute and special. .
The moment i introduced myself to the group, the moment they know me, we were like bonded together as if we had all known each other before. . That's perhaps the thing about kids, they won't hesitate to be your friend as long as they know you are nice. .
I was wearing my srjc official t-shirt on that day. . and from the moment of the icebreakers, they started calling me 'officer'. . amusing. . then they started following me where-ever i went initially. .
It was the start of a fun day to come from that point of time. .
It's amazing how far that you can go when you actually put down your image and do all sorta things in order to make it fun. . To them, you have show them you are fun person to be with, yet to an extend, to yourself, you know that you have a role to play - to take care of them like a big brother besides ensuring they do enjoy the camp. .
I'm surprised at how enthusiastic i can become in these kinda outdoor camp. . or maybe it could because of the kids. .
you know that you have done well when you can sense that the kids do like you. . and to me, it may sounds ridiculous, it was when they actually dare to crack jokes on you. . well, chermaine and crystal laugh that im a gay and then tried to pull down my short. . ya ming kept doing that action on his mouth, implying that my mouth is big, then he kept asking my age because of the white hairs i have. . i have another girl who i had forgotten her name because she came in kinda late, who kept sorta wanting to irritate me with her words. . havoc kids! but it was all for fun, laughter, peace and joy. .
Words just won't be able to describe how much i enjoy the company of these cute people. . not only for my group, but for every single kids we have in the camp. . they were terrific bunch of children. . a pity that i wasn't able to stay with them because of work in the morning. .

anyway, the last thing that did for the night was the decoration of christmas tree. . i had got pictures of what they had done. . beautiful they were. .

I had got a wish written on a card hung on one of the trees. . it says 'happy everyday'. .
it was a simple wish. . yet how easy for it to be fulfilled. .

alright. . great day with the kids. . hope i will be able to see them all again some day. .

2007-12-14T21:03:00.001+08:00

i can tell you i hate going to see a doctor. .

and today, just now, was the first time in my life that i had did anything like this. .
i am as fit as a fiddle. . just perhaps slightly sleepy because well, sleep is never enough to me, what's more that i have to wake so early these few morning to attend to my job. .
so there i went, intending to go to my family physician initially, i ended up at a clinic at hougang green. .it's a lot nearer and well, a higher chance to get my wish fulfilled i thought. .
i hesitated in walking in actually, it was kinda crowded and i was still figuring out a way to make my 'act' convincing. . walked a big round around hougang green and finally took the courage to step into the clinic. .
i was a new patient there, i filled up the form. . keith chen zhicai. . took up a seat and waited patiently for my turn to consult the doctor. . meanwhile, i was brainstorming for ideas how to bluff my way through. . . it's kinda amazing how powerful your brainpower can be, purely just sitting there for a couples of minutes made me so sleepy and within moments i have found myself in an unwell mood. .

my turn came, i was kinda anxious. . however in order to make it so obvious, the first answer i replied to the doctor when he asked me what happened was. .
"nothing much actually, just a slight migraine since this morning". . he proceeded to ask where it hurts. . pointing to the left and right of the head. . not sure if that had exposed my true colours, i opted not to take any of the 50/50 answers, instead i told him it was the back. . i do remember having ache on the back of my head anyway. .
he went to do a couple of more tests. . taking my temperature, blood pressure, shining light into my eyes. . i felt myself shaking. . i didn't feel comfortable taking these these test actually. .

anyway, i went on to lie to him that i have been working pretty hard these couple of weeks and it accounts for a lack of rest. . all these such that in the end i can request for him for a day of mc tomorrow. .

i got my wish. . at a $28 expense. . that's a lot of money. . $20 was my budget then. . i wanted to go to the polyclinic tomorrow initially but it crashed with my volunteer work even if i take the earliest time. . so, big money spent, looks like i will have to work a bit more ot to make up for this unnecessary expense. .

but then, i felt guilty too. . even as i needed this mc so that i can excuse from work for the volunteer camp tomorrow. .
i saw those who were on the queue to consult the doctor. . young kids, old folks who looked really sick to me. . and there i am, perfectly well, feigning illness and lengthening the queue. .
i wouldn't want to do this again if possible, i may not have integrity, may not be a good fellow but i do have my conscience. . this is kinda bad to me. .

alright, tomorrow gonna be an entire day in the volunteer camp. . i was intending to go down tonight to have some briefing with the rest of the volunteer, but well, it will be quite a hassle since i still have to go down early in the morning to jssc to arrange the kids over there. .
i hope tomorrow i will be fun. . .

it reminded me of odac, the second orientation camp. . i miss the times. . where me, jerry, raymond and pow, went through recces, had a great time organising the camp. . it was really fun, memorable also. .

2007-12-14T15:35:00.000+08:00

How far would you go for someone you love. .
I will do what i can, what about you. .

You cant have one party giving, and the other party only recieving. . you need both parties to be giving the same amount in order to make it work. .

If dont love, dont force. . we always know that love cant be forced, how many times have you thought of making someone who dont love you to love you. .

I choose to let you choose what you want. . but i will never regret what i chose. . i never regret the words i said. . i never regret what i did. .

i may have failed. . but i tried. . if there is one more chance again. . i will be better. .

2007-12-10T20:49:00.000+08:00

You finally reply. . is that the way you say good bye. . ?

You told me that you have made a rash decision. . you told me you weren't ready to commit to anyone. . you told me the first ones who came into your mind was your closer friends. . you said we should take things slow. .

you are right. .

but how do i contain this agony inside my heart. .

i am a man, a guy, i am gonna be 21. . why am i still feeling this bitterness inside when i have told myself that i had got prepared for the worst. .

let me sank in this sea of sadness tonight. . . i promise i will wake up tomorrow and return with a smile to my life again. . .

2007-12-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of you last night. .
you told me your fine, you told me what had happened was our test of time. . you told me that we will still be like before. .
suddenly i found myself holding your hands again. . yet at that moment where i found we were so close once more, i open my eyes and saw myself facing the reality. .

i don't live in sadness. . i don't indulge in agony. . and in fact i live a normal life just like you and me for most of the time. .
but sometimes when certain things just came to my mind, i became too carried away with my emotions. . im not immature, not that pathetically helpless enough to sank my heart and soul into deep agony for too long. . but sometimes i really prefer to let it be what i am, to quietly feel the sadness in me. .

well, don't have to worry about me. . rong said i am someone who knows how to think about things. . that's a fact. . i believe i am, perhaps a bit foolish at times but i do know what is the correct way to handle my own affairs. .

2007-12-07T23:05:00.000+08:00

If this is true, then heaven must be playing a cruel joke on me. . .

but why. . am i denied the right to know the truth. . .

im getting back where and how i used to be. .
if that had not happened, how will life be then. . will we be happier. . .

the thing about this job that i am on is that you can really have very bad days. . . today is one of them. . . i got so many dispute cases, got scolded by a few braggarts. . i feel like telling them to f off all the times. .
im so tired. . . i had been OTing for the last two days just not to have my off day returning to clear the outstanding 5hrs ot that must be cleared every week. . i realised perhaps returning to clear all one of the off days will be a better choice. .
anyway, i managed to get this swap from sunday to saturday so that i can play some soccer tomorrow. .
i desperately needa let off steam. .
all these stress accumulated in me, almost gonna turn me into IMH. . it wasn't a good week. .

how do u read the mind of someone else. . . how can you touch the heart of another. . .
one day when the truth is unravelled, you will hear the shattering of the heart. . .

AGONY, PAIN, MISERY.

2007-12-04T12:55:00.000+08:00

Rong told me, that god will never give us a smooth sailing life. .
God gives us a life, filled with adversities such that for every one of them we overcome, we learn, gain something and become a better person. . .

He was right. .
I am a person who know this all the while. . A lot of times i had managed to apply this. . that im not afraid to fail because i know that after every failure, i become better. .
im just one who learn things through the hard way. . i screwed things up initially, because compared to others, im slightly more stupid and took a longer time to learn and adapt. . but eventually, after all the initially hiccups, i still managed to stand up high and tall. .
in this job, i must say i created cropped up 90% of the times. . others may be saying what i cockster i am, i don't care. . i know this is a difficult initial phase of the journey that i have to go through, that after this, things will become better as i become better. .

I haven't been able to apply this for every areas of my life. . i must learn to. .
- adversities provide opportunities to learn and be better.

One of the few strengths that i know that i have is the level of commitment that i give in anything i do. . no matter what is it, soccer match, working, training, relationship. . when i do something, i give my heart and soul. . but i should realise that this could also be my downfall. .
i have an impulsive personality. .
In soccer, i never hesitate to give anyone a piece of my mind when he actually made a mistake that lose the game. . the point is, i had worked so hard in the game and can't accept the fact that someone else had actually made my efforts all gone down to drain. .
It was more of impulsive than anger. . i just blew off without processing it in my head. . i have to change. .
In a relationship, it's never only about giving. . im overly dedicated, too anxious to give everything i could, too rush to get relationship going. . i forgotten that i needa give the other party breathing space. .

Everything, anything you do, you have to get it processed in your head before it's done. .
Never be overwhelmed by a moment of impulse. .

Im so useless now. . but im trying to learn, to change. . god didn't give me a smooth sailing life. .

indulging in agony. . i couldnt read your mind. . . was it right from the start. .

if i live my life again, will it be a better one. .

2007-12-01T20:17:00.000+08:00

Im so tired. . and when im tired, im extremely negative. . .

work, work, work. . worked so much in the end i don't even see the purpose. . now that im bonded to this contract, i cant even say no that i don't want to work. .
im damn sian. . damn sian. . don't feel like working anymore. . but this sucks, i cant choose not to work. .it's draining all my energy, it's lefting me little time to do the things i want. . i really don't see the worth now. .
yet sub-consciously i still realised that i need that income to buy me the kinda life i want. . the luxurious clothes, the lifestyle. .

im damn tired. . i really need a source to throw all my frustrations into. . fuck man. . i feel like dying. .
pardon that i don't really use vulgar in my blog. .

this is freaking similar to army. . i hate it. . i don't have time to enjoy at all. . cant even play soccer on saturday. .

damn it . .!!!!!

now that i know i cant be a good boyfriend. . i fucking get jealous so easily. .
perhaps im too tired. . too tired. .

2007-11-29T09:25:00.000+08:00

If you are going in circles, you know that some day some time you will return to the same point again. .

It's a relief off the pain on my neck, as finally im on a day that i don't needa work.
true it was, but i was still sorta on a mood swing in the morning. . as i woke up early in the morning, intending to do the proposal for the icebreaker games on the volunteer camp where my dad actually came nagging at me. . my bike was having some problems and he was trying to get me to call the guy and get it fixed asap. .
So well, i don't like it when he nag at me. . i became rather defiant. .
Sometimes i feel that he's like overly protective towards me. . as in im like gonna be 21, and i don't like the feeling of being still having my dad to be always around to guide me over every single things. . already im already having such rock bottom self esteem, the way he is like trying to see me through everything is gonna made me feel more useless. .
nevertheless, i do understand his good intentions. . i know he dotes on me. . but sometimes knowing and your actions at that point of time can never be synchronised. .

So anyway. .
The night later was special. . it was perhaps one of the few happy moments i had recently. .
the event itself shall be kept in my heart. . till the day i decides to unveil. .

whatever it is. . it's back to work again. .

2007-11-27T21:17:00.000+08:00

i've walked so far. . . in the end, i still miss the train.

im so tired. . reallly really tired. . 12 hours yesterday and a full day of 8.5 hours today. . it's scratching me to the limit. .

i can just say im very sian. . for things haven't been really going on smoothly for me. . i made quite a lot of screwed up, got scolded by countless number of customers and i even feel that some of the tls were like picking on me. . always choosing me to do the human ivr. .
i hate it, so most of the time i won't do. .
but well, i really tried my best but sometimes i still feel i'm like not adsorbing at all for all the things that my tl and colleagues had taught me. .
i made screwed up here and there. . sometimes because, i guess there's something wrong with my memory or what. .

i felt like im exchanging my life span for the pay im recieving. . i had endured so many unreasonable customers, calling in and giving me a telling off, speaking in a pissed off tone. . these were like tearing me apart. .

not sure whether it's just me or what, again i find myself so handicap with this job, totally stupid and useless. .

haiz. . may things just get better. .

2007-11-25T22:31:00.000+08:00

Im so tired. . today wasn't totally a great day actually. . i just forgotten i got scolded by how many customers. .
at a point a nearly burst out. . i hate doing human ivr. . it's only at doing this that i got the most scoldings. . i was like a defenceless creature, left fendless against the heartless lashings from these people. .
they were right. . who the hell will want to wait for 2-3 days to get their problem solved. . ? they were right. . what kinda service is like. . making customer wait 2-3 days to solve their problem. . people want to surf the net, watch the programmes, who the hell is willing to wait while paying for the services. . But i, as the person made to do this job, can only tell them what i am told. . to tell them leave down their messages and wait for someone to get them back in 2-3 days. .
im not gonna do that again, if the team leader tells me to do that again i will just wait for them to walk away then do the normal call enquiry. .

sometimes i actually get tired that i can't possibly remember everything. . i just tend to neglect some things im supposed to do. . like one case just now. . i guess i will be going back tomorrow to get complain or scolded by customer. . i actually promised to call her just now to do her upgrade, but a slip off my mind. . i guess i will have to resort the issue with her some how. . bless me. . that woman i know has a sharp tongue. .

another week gonna start. . this job actually made time passed pretty fast. . i will most probably be having another tiring weekend. . i have two days off, on wednesday and thursday, but most likely i will be doing ot for thursday. . i hope i chiong now at the end of the month the payslip comes will be a lucrative one. .
i really got a lot of things to buy. . bag, wallet, cologne, clothes. . i went to espirit to see yesterday and i had this temptation to change the entire of my wardrobe. . how i wish im such rich baggart out there, then i don't have to slog so hard. .

then i will be driving a car, not riding a bike. . riding a bike is like walking on thin line to me now. . a sudden loss of concentration could send me to the bottom. . the road is never safe on a bike. . well. . kinda regret getting a bike. . it's starting to give me headaches. . public transport is the safest. .

2007-11-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

The biggest thing that happened today.

i was riding my bike to work as per usual. . it's only the second day im doing so though. . . it was only like 500m away from destination. . i was heading towards a right turn into ayer rajah ave. . a sudden lapse of concentration, a sudden loss of control, i found myself crashing towards green colour central barrier that divides the road. . . i was stunned for 1 sec, i wake up the next, tried to turn the handle back. . .
i could have been seriously injured, may even been dead. .
somehow, i managed to escape unscathed, just superficial injury and slight damage to my vehicle. .
i know that i am lucky this time round. . is that another. . ?
im not sure about that, but it's really dangerous riding. . particularly at this point of time where im like so inexperience with the road. . the way im doing is like learning it through the hard way. . i needa pray for more luck. .

alright. . this week i have been working through these entire five days. . 1130-2100. . really exhausting. . sitting down looking at the computer listening and answering or sorta calls making all kinda screw up. . i realised, i actually learned everything the hard way. . i just found out from aloysius that there was actually a complain that went to my team leader. . i wandered how many there are actually. . besides, i did made a mess of many things, failing to follow up replies etc. . that's why im saying im such a useless fellow. .
well, anyway, this job time seemed to pass rather fast. . at least it wasn't that kind boring like admin. . even though i risk getting complains from customers, scoldings or whatsoever. . just like today the first call i received actually started with 'what kinda fucking service is this'. . the best start i got for the day. . it's not all bad people like this. . i have had some nice ones who are extremely polite, talk lotsa cock and joke with you. . it's like a fair reflection of what kinda people we have in this screwed up world. .
so probably though it's tiring, im quite satisfied with it so far. . maybe duty itself i haven't really been up to it, but i guess im slowly getting a hang of it. .
it's really alot of things to learn. . many things weren't taught during our training, i just have to be super thick skin and kept walking to my team leader and team mates. . i felt bad, but if i don't ask i will never be able to do it correctly. . luckily these people has been nice and patient with me. . especially my team leader. . though he everytime put in a black face, he has been really patient with me. . even upon receiving that complain he showed no sign of intention of giving me a whacking. . also to mention this fellow who sat opposite to me call wen hui, always approaching him to solve my problems. . he taught me quite a lot of things. .

alright. . tomorrow finally got to off. . need a break. .

2007-11-18T14:38:00.000+08:00

It was quite tempting. .
You see so many friends around you start taking that puff and you are really tempted to join in. .
I was like the only one who resisted even lighting up the cigarette and putting in into my mouth yesterday night. .
We had another round of pubbing session at the same tanjong pagar pub yesterday and well, that was the conclusion i had made. . . though i had observed this trend since the previous few times, yesterday's incident finalised my observation. .
It was no big deal actually. . just that i had to really stood by my principle in the midst of a drunken daze in order to resist the move to take up a puff. . . and while seeing some of my best friends who wasn't even a social smoker took up that puff. .
People may see this 'strictly no taking of puff' as guai. . but i see it as a principle that i must adhere to. . it's such a simple rule to obey. . such a simple rule that if i can't even follow, it only reflect how weak my mental will is. .
it's also a simple reason why there should be strictly no puff. . -it's not very economical to pay to sniff in toxic. . it isn't very wise to take in toxic when you know is toxic. .
So well, i must continue to stay cigarette free. .

anyway. . i didn't manage to sleep enough after reaching home at 6am in the morning. . it's kinda difficult for me to sleep in the day time. . so probably have to wait till tonight before i can regain back the 7hours of sleep, as indicated by saf. .
tomorrow's officially gonna get into the job itself. . no more training, no more honeymoon, i should get prepared to get frequent scoldings from the customers as i foresee myself to make many errors at the start. . whatever it is. . think of the payslip that will come at the end of the month, it maybe a little bit comforting. .

2007-11-17T19:34:00.000+08:00

Until now then, had i have the energy to send in another blog entry. . .

all the way from tues to fri, there was just little left in me after a full day of training to make me feel like blogging at all. . it was kinda tiring. . for the only things that i did each day after work - eat, watch tv, online then sleep. . . i slept at times that were almost the same as in camp, if not earlier. . .
it will kinda be another whole new phase of 'no-life' experience. . similar to that of ns, just that i get to see home everyday. . sian. . .
anyway, finally finished an entire week of training. . it's a lot of things to learn. . and i'm so afraid to screw up. . just really hope for the best. . next week is the official start of work. . whatever it is, i just look forward to 21nov now, the remainding days to it i only wanna let it pass swiftly. . . if it isn't turn out well, i may really consider burying myself in work, working more OTs. . already next sun i'm scheduled for a weekend shift. .

Went to get a hair cut just now. . and it's been like, almost two years since i had stepped into the salon i frequent before enlistment. . it has shift to another location in the same area and i finally managed to track it down through my mum. . . i was kinda surprised that they still have an impression of me after so long. . at least for the lady that cut my hair for me, remember me as the one who wear braces. .
well. . not important though, most important is to give me a nice cut. . more than 10days after ord now, it's time to revert back to getting a nice hairstyle. . i was thinking of highlighting but looking at the present length of my hair. . too pathetic to do so. .
so, i simply trimmed a bit here and there, got a layer that is freaking too short to be called so and the lady boss just charged me 10bucks. . a welcome gift for an old customer.? i vividly recalled that i used to pay 12bucks. . regardless of what it is, i hope i can go back for a highlight soon. . 30bucks she told me. . and the lady boss had really done alot to try and retain this old customer, putting in plenty of sweet words before i left. . well thanks, it did made me feel good for a while. .

2007-11-12T21:07:00.000+08:00

So first day of work. .
travelled all the way to ayer rajah. . i woke up 6.30 in the morning. . left home at 7 just to be specially early for this day. . so that my usual habit of late coming won't kick in today. .

it wasn't too bad for the first day. . according to my standard. . i never ask for much you all know. . just don't be too screwed up will do. .
i got to meet some new guys. . we have got 17 of us there and probably i have talked to about 4 or 5. . look forward to talk to more of them, if i have a chance. .
i'm not that much of a person who can speak to anyone on the street as you all know that, so well, i took some time to get to know people. .
initially it was kinda lonely and awkward, as most of them arrived in clique. . i was like one of the few there who don't know anybody in the group. . it was only through an introduction session that i know my first guy there, edward. . a 17 years old who had just completed his o levels. . subsequently got to know few other guys, all just orded too. .

It was good new when the training location was changed to somewhere nearly plaza singapora last minute, and we travelled down to the place by cab during lunch break. . over the next few days training sessions will be held there and that will means less transportation time and more sleep time for me. .

the training itself was pretty dry. . it was lecture all the way, telling us about the various cable programmes they offered etc. . entirely similar to returning to school, and i tried really hard not to fall asleep. . luckily the instructor was kind enough to let us return home early today. . 45 minutes earlier, wrapped off at 4.45pm, not too tiring afterall then. . .

2007-11-11T21:02:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow starting work already. . . i really don't know whether to be happy or sad about it. .
one thing for sure. . if i don't start work quickly, there will be plenty of worries. . first there will be no income, second life will be boring and third it will be a waste of time. .

it will gonna be my first time taking up a full time job, and i had already signed a 3months contract with the company, starhub as a customer service consultant. . . the first two week will be a training probation period, but i still get paid 7 per hours. . after the two weeks it will be 9 per hour and there will be a rotating shift. .
the pay is considerably high, though the location is kinda far, at ayer rajah. . i have to take a train and a bus then after. . still, nothing is far compared to that dear camp that i had stayed for 1.5 years. .

so anyway. . i still don't know what to expect for tomorrow. . just maybe hope for the best. . don't screw up and socialise well with the people there. .

not gonna ride my bike to work tomorrow too. . just after the first day of getting my bike that i had really realised that it's dangerous riding on the road. . i guess i won't ride to work until i have become pretty sure how to get there, the traffic condition etc. . for now. . a safer mode of transport. .

2007-11-10T21:55:00.000+08:00

You always ask me why most of my entries are sad. .
it's a simply logic, sad things stay longer in my mind than happy things. .
happiness are so short-lived to me, it's gone before i can even put them down in words. .

Friday night was pretty high for all of us. . me, cheeyong, wan ting and ziying. . we were out at k box, having real fun singing songs, shouting, screaming, dancing, clubbing and whatsoever. . . it was damn fun. . .
Perhaps one thing to confirm when you wanna have fun. . that you needa let go of yourself, forget about your worries and focus all your heart and soul at the moment. . indulging in fun and excitement. .
I really like singing. . . i know i can't sing well but after going to so many times of k box, party world and even pub to sing, i have unconsciously developed a kinda character that when i go to such places, especially k box, i wouldn't care about anything but just sing. .
i started off getting high the moment i sang my first song. . especially excited because it was my first time singing with them, in the presence of them. .
Of course, the three time didn't lose out either. . and they are damn high also. . look what kinda crazy things can they do. . standing on the sofa cushion and shout at the top of their voices. . oh no. . they are singing, not shouting. . but it was really fun, funny. . you never failed to be entertained with them. .
however, probably because i started getting high too soon, towards the end, i actually felt kinda tired and the steam in me cooled. . nevertheless, i felt bad. . they were busy enjoying their english pop which i know nothing of when they realised i was like sian, and had to give in to by switching to chinese songs occasionally. .
well. . maybe i only know chinese songs, but i'm really entertained by their hippyness and so influenced by their punkiness when they were singing english songs. . it feels like a combination of club and coffee shop. . . noisy environment with punky english rock songs sang by two person who sounded like quarrelling, ziying and cheeyong. . hahaha!!
then before that we have, mei nu er ren zu, by zinc and one thing. . i had recorded a clip of their beautiful duet on my phone. . not forgetting that four of us had numeral duets with each others. . extremely sentimental, extremely touching. . haha. .

fun moments, i will remember. .

2007-11-10T20:59:00.000+08:00

Cheeyong must be waiting for me to post an extremely negative entry today. . .

He reads my mind. .

I wouldn't call this a very bad day. . just a bad day that i will label it. . .
Couple of moments ago i was asking myself, why am i spending time doing all these voluntarily while knowing that i'm really lousy at them. . . i would make a fool of myself, disgrace myself and eventually screwed up the entire programme. .

I could only give the excuse that the contents were not easy to be put through so that the kids could understand. . deep in our heart you and me know that the fault lies in your incapability. . .
I can be frank to myself here. . . i can't even present a simple powerpoint presentation to the kids. . i'm just like an amateur motorcycle rider. . wobbling all the way. . in the end managed to get to nowhere and fell down instead. .

I showed my weakness in front of everybody. . where 8 out of 10 of them are strangers to me. . at a place where i command a place as volunteer, like a teacher to the kids. . yet portrayed an extremely nervous front while presenting, as if a signal to them that this person is pretty much of an useless character. .
Tried as hard as i might, this weakness that followed me throughout my secondary and junior college life continues to haunt even up to today. .

I aim to impress, but so far i had mostly disgraced. . The presentation part had struck me the hardest, because it reminded me of a long spell of such handicap in me. . and i would easily sank deeper into misery for the part that came next. . We built a model volcano using plasticine, intending to show the kids a vigourous reaction that resemble a volcano eruption. . the first demonstration totally didn't work. . i was left down there in front of everyone. . i repeat the experiment the same way for another couple of times and when it still didn't work, my brain just suddenly went blank. . i looked to victor, seeking for help. .
somehow he managed to get them back into the room for some games and i got some help from the rest to do another demonstration. . it didn't turn out any spectacular, but at least it was considered done. .

haiz. . i guess i have failed terribly as person isn't it. . they say a person should always hide his/her weakness. . look at mine. . weaknesses that you can see even without knowing me personally. . they say a man shouldn't practise self-pity, look at me. . i don't pity myself perhaps. . i'm just pretty upset about myself that's all. .

2007-11-06T14:16:00.000+08:00

Ord lo. . . i haven't seen you for so long. . . how are you, my pink ic. . . i miss you so much. . .
finally the arrival of this days. . . 1 years and 10 months of agony. . .
i felt like a bird just being released from its cage the moment i stepped out of the camp's gate. . freedom is the word i saw in front of me and two words just came out automatically. . . ORD LO!!

And then, the first thing that i went to do after reaching home. . . Shower. . and off i went with my dad to look for a bike. . . we walked and look through a series shops along serangoon road. . . and finally settled for a silver phantom at one of it. . it wasn't my ideal, not something i really want, but i know reality. . . you not always can get what you want, in fact, you have to know what the situation can provide you. . . you choose the best out of it. . .
I wanted a sport bike, one that is cool and stylish. . . but sometimes appearance came with prices. . . high petrol consumption, high machine cost, high maintenance and high risk. . .
the phantom instead, may not be as stylo milo, yet it requires little maintenance, a lot lesser petrol consumption and lower machine cost. .
it's my first vehicle and i'm certainly not keen in dumping my entire fortune on it. . probably with that kinda money that i am willing to spend, that's the best possible way out. . .

alright, anyway anyhow. . . i'm collecting my bike on friday. . anybody want a ride. . ?

2007-11-04T16:08:00.000+08:00

This weekend was absolutely happening. . i barely slept for more than 5 hours since friday's night. . .

First there was the chalet at Aloha loyang on friday's night. . . the place itself was big, bigger than i expected, with four rooms, 2 storeys, a kitchen, 5 toilets, and a living room, all integrated in a terrace style, and it cost just around a hundred plus. . but it is only entitled to booking by anyone in the civil service if i'm not wrong. .
it was kinda boring when i first arrived. . there were like, only two person that i know there, one of them the birthday boy, the other the organiser, and both of them were kept busy at entertaining the rest of the guests. . pretty embarrassing scene, as i stood from position to position trying to sms someone to keep myself busy. . too. . finally settling down at the sofa in front of the television, and be entertained by the television programmes. . . Luckily this didn't happened the entire night. . . gradually more people i know came and it became better. . we ended up playing games and drinking, finally getting myself vomitting after shots of chevas. . .
Got willy to drive me home at about 6.30am in the morning, got to sleep for an hour and then, got myself down to the court to play soccer. . . Got home at 2 plus and went out again for my volunteer work at CDC. . Got home again after that at 7pm and got the opportunity to slack for some time before going out to a pub at tanjong pagar for another round of drinking session with the same group of buddies. .
i needa empathise that though there were lotsa indecent pubs and clubs at that area, as i saw on my walk from the train station, the one that we went were 100% decent. . so there, i got myself vomitting thrice with shots of martell and chevas. . horrible feeling. .
i wasn't drunk, neither was i sober. . it was a feeling of highness and slight giddiness. .
I must say that i don't like to drink and i hope i wouldn't need to drink. . purely just to entertain my buddies. . while all of us are busy with our own stuffs at this stage of our lives, only activities like this one give us a chance to come together and link up with each other. . so i mean i wouldn't resist drinking for the sake of fun with friends though i don't like it. . yet i will have to make it a not so often thing. . and i will be eating my words not because most probably wednesday night they are going to the same place again. . but that's to celebrate my ORD. . .
Anyway, as a result of yesternight's heavy alcohol consumption, i'm left with a heavy head, a slight nausea feeling and a tired mind and body this morning. . i even had to carry it to the soccer field for a match for tat ming. .
it wasn't too bad at the start. . i still can run, i still managed to get some golden opportunities where i should have scored if my finishing was a bit better. . it was during the second half, where i kept getting this nausea feeling that restrict me from running too much. . instead, i created blunders not chances instead. . however, the thing that finally made me fell out of the match was not the nausea feel, but the toes crump on both my legs. .
we lost the match 2-1. we started off with 9 men, ended up with 7 men. .

2007-11-02T12:55:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a good day. . .

I passed my class 2B TP. . . ! Hurray. . !! finally. . .

Though it rained in the morning, and i thought it was not gonna be my day again. . . it all turned up fine and nice. .
everything was on my side, luck, skill, technique. . unlike the other time, i got a better bike this time, i finished the circuit courses almost with ease, i survived a near cropped up outside on the road, and finally the 4 times test experience brought me through. . it was like i said, a combination of luck, nerve and experience. .
nevertheless, i still went through a terrible experience sitting inside the result office waiting for the respective instructor to come in and release the result. . The prospect of my test number being called was circulating in my mind continuously, and i could feel myself trembling in anxiety. . negative thoughts completely devoured my mind. . i had even made up my mind not to take again if i failed once more. .
i prayed really hard that my number not be called, the fear simply overwhelming. . There i saw my instructor coming into the room, and the first number he announced, 46!. . the intensity of my fear and anxiety tripled overtime, i vividly remembered how my number became the next to be called the previous times. . then, he announced, 49. .! i heaved a sigh of relief, not totally released as i clearly understood that there's still a possibility of my number be called. . but as i saw my instructor left the room leaving my number not called, i realised that i had passed. . i stood up all of a sudden, almost punched my hand in the air and even had to resist myself from shouting up in joy. . i was so delighted. .
it had been a long and tiring journey, now that i had finally passed, it was really a released. . at least now perhaps i don't feel so much that i had lived these past 2years in army in vain. . at least now i had achieved something that can keep me for a lifetime. .

So now, i really can't wait to ride a bike on the streets. . my brother said he may be giving me his motorcycle yet for the time being, he's having exam and don't have the time to go down to lta to add me as a sub rider. . no bike to ride for the moment. . . pathetic. .
i have this adrenaline rush to get a bike of my own, i want to get something like an sp. . but i'm met with lotsa resistance. . my dad don't allow me to ride an sp, it's too dangerous he said. . . then came the money part, i can't possibly invest the entire of my fortune on a bike isn't it. . what's more now that i'm out of a job, no more army, no more tuition, no more income. . i will more likely land myself in financial crisis if i let this adrenaline get to the top of my head. .

alright. . one more thing that made this day a great day. .
went back to camp after the test to settle some administration works. . . it was one thing good, if not many, that i managed to settle most of what is needed to ord. . sent all my kits without paying a single cent, signed all the essential clearance and lastly, got that heavy duffel bag back home. .
feels awesome, i longed for this kinda feeling, feeling of completing this 1 year and 10months and return to civilian life. .

i'm now in the process of transforming back to civilian. . slacking my way out during my off. . . find a job. . ? i haven't find it a hurry. . let my parent feed me for a while. . haha. . just joking. .